Atrophy

I sink into the soft sheets of my serene prison for the third time of the day feeling the comforter weigh me down as the serotonin sinks back in.

Behind closed eyes I see contagious smiles and hear the laughter of loved ones who have been gone for years. Suddenly I feel a rough tongue lick my arm as my fingers caress soft fur and once again, I’m looking into teddy bear brown eyes that I’ve missed since senior year. Everything feels warm like the glow of sunlight against your skin. It’s just how I imagined heaven to be when I daydreamed in church as a kid. It’s beautiful and I never want to leave.

But then I woke up.

“Is she going to sleep all day?” I hear from the kitchen.

Maybe.

I feel the edge roll off my heels and the rush of cool air against my face. There’s complete silence from skyscrapers all around me. The sky is granite grey and I’m falling for what feels like minutes that only last a second. Inner panic ignites. My lungs run out of breath as the sidewalk focuses into view. I just barely make out the details of each grain of cement.

I open my eyes.

There’s light peeking in from behind the blinds. I can’t tell if it’s from the sun or the moon.

“What time is it?”

Now I’m running through a house that I don’t recognize. There’s a hallway that seems to stretch as I stumble my way through it. Each room plays out in a new scene that I’ve never watched before. My body feels numb but my heart pounds vigorously against my chest. I look over my shoulder and something is inching closer towards me. I can’t see what it is, but I’m desperate to get away from it. The chase feels never ending with no escape route. I can sense that it’s about to pounce.

The loud banging of pots and pans startles me awake.

I roll over as an argument starts to break out downstairs.

                                                                                                                                                Please just get along.

I’m back in a bed but it’s not the one I fell asleep in. Fingers glide across my skin as lips graze their way down my neck. Hot breath lingers causing goosebumps to rise. A lustful desire inside me grows as I curl my fingers around short locks of hair. Nothing is recognizable and yet every touch feels familiar. I grow impatient aching for intimacy.

My breath hitches as I open my eyes. The loneliness creeps in again.

I’m starting to prefer the dream world over reality.

I think it’s time for another visit.