August 13, 2013,

Waiting patiently for the questions to begin, and for my planned answers to be spoken not a word out of place, everything was planned, everything was silenced, i screamed and yelled, but i was never heard, the more I tried the more I failed....and then came august 15, 2013. Such a horrible day is all I remember, screaming and yelling doctor after doctor, as she was rushed away by people who claim to know what they are doing when truly, they are barely getting by like the rest of us. Living in a cold, helpless hell inside their own mind, trapped, in a cage that is unbearably inescapable, surrounded by all of their latest fears, that press them against the wall, beating them senseless to the point where they can no longer breathe, or exert any emotion or declare any humanity that may remain inside of them.......Or is it just me?

I watched as she laid there hooked up to an IV dropper, helpless to know what goes on inside my mind, i fake a smile, pretend that it doesn't bother me at all, but really, I'm shattered, like a ball of ice thrown at the ground at high velocity, the pieces I need to rebuild, are to far out of my reach, and to be honest, Im afraid of the finished picture. If you ask me my biggest fear, it is myself, it is the truth, it is trust, and it will always be you.  Because of her you were never there, you never knew what I had worn to my first day of school, you never cared how late I stayed, or what I did, never a second thought of worry, all your focus was on her. I understand, but what did I do to deserve to raise myself? What did I do to deserve to grow up without a mother? What affluent person did I upset to deserve such a painful fate? Your still here, but it feels like your gone, your still standing and breathing but you are dead to me, all you do is scream and yell from that 5 by 8 mattress calling the shots, but you know nothing about me, you can't dictate a life you have no place in. You will not be at my wedding, you will not know my children (if I choose to have any), you will not have any part in my life whatsoever, because I obviously don't have one in yours. You pushed me so far away my new home is in a cage full of agony and memories I don't want to relive, filled with pain beyond words to explain it, putting a smile on my face was the hardest way to conceal it, I was always overly enthusiastic, overly enthusiastic, to the point where my pain almost became more apparent then it would if I just let it show, but over the course of my life, I mastered the fake smile, fake laugh, fake self to the point where I seemed almost normal, and such an extent, I lost the person I really was, that is if you can lose what you have never known.