Avarice and Justice

Tue, 07/30/2013 - 02:33 -- sbedian

Location

Gambling is a sin, so never begin,

Money madness makes it more maniacal,

Stacks against itself the odds of real success,

It should see it’s blessed, learn to rest well,

Don’t send yourself to hell,

Don’t dwell on flings with the Devil that don’t bring you the things you really need,

Friendship, companionship, less money greed and more seeds of happiness sown,

What’s a win at a table, compared to the loathing in-grown,

Don’t wear a label, the tombs of your life light up when you let go enough,

But it takes time to build trust, one must keep it up,

To recognize, there’s no need to scheme or even dream away your days,

No plans will stand against the recognition,

The moment’s intuition,

The minute precision detail of the reality that entails the actuality of awareness,

Try not to derail the realization, that hopeful anticipation, of a free mind blessed,

A creature left like in kind, with kindness set to face a moment in time,

Humility and rationality mixed gradually to fix tragedy,

I’l'll gladly miss all the attention; did I mention I need myself more than my metaphysical friendships?

My brother’s long gone, stone heart hurt and overdrawn,

Departed one day from the front lawn and started before dawn,

Not lost in any way, but to me a broken bond,

I yawn at myself now, what a waste, what a waste, a tired life of ego games pushed in haste,

A tyrant who feeds on strife with sins never faced

But the real need now is a taste of something, almost abstract,

Not entirely, physical reality is based on fact,

In actuality, The Fear only detracts when you hold dear things that lack any kind of cohesion,

Use reason, don’t abuse derision and decisiveness and succumb to treason,

not so nice with this, not pleasing,

tried it twice and missed, bad luck is always teasing

Throw the dice if you insist, bite the bullet, will it to kiss the face and taste bliss,

Avoid disgrace, don't shake your fist and try to make a case,

Save the best for last and the rest cannot be wasted,

I tasted victory, it sickened me, I quickened the approach of the inevitable,

Destiny tasted like hell, I was wasted as well,

Well, whatever was, was what was,

What is, is what is, this is the business at hand,

What will come for me now is in demand,

In the future I must relearn how to stand,

All my plans are laid, I need a conscience stopper

I succumb to the command to act proper,

A ton of wrongdoing must be undone,

Scheming and stewing to prop up my ego, on goodwill and endessly brewing well won feats,

Real heroism is not just winning a battle,

It’s swallowing your pride to avoid foolish defeats,

It’s holding your own, and holding what owns you well,

It's knowing when to release, so that in sound judgment one may dwell.

 

Comments

sbedian

I recently got sucked into a gambling habit that turned sharply and seriously destructive rather quickly.  It began with playing lotto tickets, which at the very beginning I was consistently getting lucky with and getting away with the money.  I soon got the absurd notion that I knew a way to beat the system, like some kind of subconscious knowledge.  A month later, I had spent a thousand dollars of my parents money.  In my desperation to pay my bills, I took some of my mother's own jewelry and sold it, and, like any downwardly spiraling gambling addict, instead of putting the money away, I gamble more, this time at a poker table.  I walked in with 100 dollars, and left an hour later with six hundred.  Now, at this point a rational person would fess up to their crime and hand over their winnings to their poor mother.  I, of course, did not sleep a wink that night, and went back to play the next day, then loosing four hundred dollars.  I finally confessed and now am woking to make amends and pay them back, my poor parents who have been so tolerant.  I recognize I messed up and feel a powerful need to fix things, I need basic trust again.  This poem illustrates some of what I went through, as well as an interlude into more perceptual existential awareness type work to indicate states of mind.  I hope you like it!

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741