When I say "I'm just tired" it means so much more.
I am tired because every time I lay my head on my pillow in silence, it's never really silent
My head screams at me, recalling my worst moments
It tells me how horrible my life is.
It screams at me and reminds that death is inevitable.
I then realize I only have one chance at life.
Is this really how I have to live it?
The ticking of my bedside clock represents a ticking time bomb that will go off eventually, though,
I have no idea when.
On the rare occasions when I can sleep, it's never peaceful.
I see the dark shadows lurking in the corners like an animal stalking it's wounded prey.
I wake up and it's on my chest, a heavy weight.
I scream but no one can hear me, similar to when I am awake.
It wraps its talons around my neck like a noose I once constructed.
It slowly chokes the life out of me.
Its red eyes stare into my soul just as if I was in a therapy session
I kick my legs, but then I think...maybe this is death.
I stop trying to fight.
Suddenly, I'm sitting in my bed and I am weak.
I get up and I pace, and pace, and pace.
I pace so I don't have to face my bed again.
I do anything to stay awake.
I read. I write. I make a pizza from scratch. I check my twitter feed.
Anything. Anything until I see the sun rise.
So when I say "I'm just tired"...
It means I tortured myself all night.
It means I tried to figure out the meaning of life,
So I didn't have to face my own.