Awake The Smell

Anesthesia dripping into his blood stream,
A feeding tube sliding behind his tongue.
Dark with only the lights of the heart monitor,
his sleep unaltered by the outside noises.
Hours without nourishment 
to remain a thin figure but
queasy to put a finger down his throat.
Panicking
inside my closet when I get the news,
My head stiffens in-between my knees as I rock myself to the steady motion
of the repeating words “You’re okay.”
Afraid
of how far he will go.

Upon arrival,
He pushes one foot forward while dragging the other
in the momentum of a snail.
Eyes pink with drained lids
as if every muscle was working to keep them open.
Says his father grabbed him out of bed,
tossing him against the wall as if trash going into a dumpster.
Picking him up and ready to punch
but stops the man with a block of an arm,
fighting him until his father drops him and leaves.
I research abuse
and stare at the number.
Should I call?
I shiver at the thought of his father
being pulled away from his daughters.
Zip ties gnawing at his fathers stiffened wrists.
I put the phone down. 
Everyday begins with a another story of an evening battle.
Does his mother know the dark thoughts her son thinks?

He shares with me a collection that he keeps inside his bedroom walls.
Knives of all kinds,
pointy thin blades and thick wide machetes
of which he uses on himself.
Days go by of feeling undesired.
His mom suffers through what most women fear,
his father throws his body around like a body bag.
Pictures are sent to me of the crimson lines across his pale thigh.
“Stop! Please, Stop!”
We made a deal 
that if he does it
then I do too.
Picking up a shaver,
I fill up the tub with a smell of rose petals and cupcakes
awakening the smell of blood.
Turning the clear pool into a pink bath. 

I found his secrets,
a treasure chest full of dirt,
full of lies and unfulfilled promises.

Months after, I am released.
From his clutched grip of my life,
health returns to my dead eyes.
I have mostly good days,
but others are nightmares of my past.
I still seethe over the lies
of those blue-green eyes.
Never will I care for someone so recklessly 
that the bond between my skin and heart
will sever.