Ayudame

My body is now so cold

Inviting and still to those who feared me

To those who saw me as nothing but a shell

and made my life a living hell up until my very last breath so much so that I should be glad to be DEAD

I wanted to

For so so long I wished to push my head underwater and lie there until my skin ran blue because if it had been me 

If it had been me and not you

Then there was something I could keep to myself

I had no other choice but to play the cards I was dealt

But that’s what I had been doing my whole life

And watching them take all I had left of me only filled me with spite

And that’s all they’ll keep doing 

Taking my solitude, my reason for being, breaking down every single wall I’ve placed around myself to protect me from what they’ve been pursuing

But that will never be enough

My mind will never be mine

And that was a real' hard pill to swallow 

And as it dissolved, in my fear and desperation I continued to wallow

I realized something that would be permanently etched into my body

I say this while my eyes grow foggy

Bearing every sin, lash, and beating from man

Because of my skin color, I should never be more than a doormat

Rotting away in a jail cell for those people to marvel at

Because of my skin color, 

I should never be able to live that American Dream

They spit and laugh at me while I scream

You see, that dream ain’t nothing at all like what it seems

Because of my skin color, I am made to idly watch as Man is taught to detest thee

BECAUSE OF MY SKIN COLOR, I am made to watch my people be burned because they say we should have NEVER been free

because of my skin color

I should never be able to be me

I envy you

You are allowed to feel

Others find me easily recognizable

So what am I?

Which of me is real?

My true self?

Destiny?

The monster you see me as

I wish I even knew the answer myself

But, you all seem to know me so well

Well enough, you’d shoot a person down should they look anything like those who stood against you

Well enough that you laugh at the fearful, apprehensive little girl you’ve turned me into

They say our distrust is the same

DON’T MAKE ME LAUGH

It’s me, NOT YOU who’d lay dead where they stood

And it’s YOU who would proudly do it simply because I “don’t look how I should”

I wish there would have been someone to say it is okay

To reassure me, to tell I deserved to live

“Listen to me, my child

It wasn’t you.

This world just changed your point of view”

And I’m left to speculate and ponder 

Thinking they may be right

Wishing for a place way yonder in which I don’t fear my every waking breath

“It wasn’t you”

I’m glad I learned that eventually

That Man’s attempts to hurt me went by unsuccessfully 

I’m still here, despite Man’s attempts to derail me 

while I found my own reason for being in a world that failed me

I found me

And although I may not be what you perceived

Our tears, our laughter, our blood when we bleed

It's the same thing, despite what you've heard and seen

“It wasn’t you.”

I say that to every black boy and girl who has ever THOUGHT to consider otherwise

That they are defective and forced to choke back screaming cries

To those who pick and pluck at the petals of lust and greed

Hoping for the change they seek

I say this to me.

And even after all that,

Even after everything I’ve been forced to witness and allow

 I'm still just...me

And what I am, I will forever be proud to be.