The B-Word

as a child my B-Word was 

bubbles.

bubbles and bubblegum and butterflies and buttercream frosting.

they all were good. now my B Word is 

 

Bad-Bye.

good-bye is too nice a word for the Betrayal and Bullets you left in your wake. 

bad-bye is the end of your era it is the end of your time in my life it is the end of my childhood and my new Beginning as an adult.

 

 

when you left me

I realized that words can feel like

Betrayal.

and that leaving me is a cruel way of getting out because I am not good enough

not strong enough

not worthy of love.

 

and when you left

the B-word became something else entirely.

the B-Word wasn't about childhood

now the B-Word is not betrayal or bullets or bully the B-Word is BRING BACK.

 

don't come back

but BRING BACK who I used to be 

because this fucked up feeling of emptiness is not from the hole you left inside of me it is from where my soul has left my body

I AM SCREAMING.

 

the B-Word means BRING BACK my independence BRING BACK the childhood that I never had BRING BACK everything you stole from me

no one told me that adulthood means that everyone around you becomes black. 

and no one wants to tell me that you become an adult when you accept

that those who hurt you will not BRING BACK what they owe you

 

the new B-Word is BEGINNING

BEGINNING to accept that you cannot take away anything else

because I am BEGINNING to see that my worthinesss is not tied to your opinion

that my happiness is not from your actions

that my life is under my control.

 

my B-Word is BELIEVE. 

 

 

 

This poem is about: 
Me

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