Babysitting/Racca

He asks if I’m free tomorrow If there is a more appropriate word to describe my forthcoming duty, it fails me Babysitting, I tell him, babysitting As pejorative as the term may be, it describes my function She is old But in many ways, she is an infant I talk for hours about helping the poor and the sick I plan my majors, my career, and my life upon this concept of selfless living Yet, when given the opportunity to embody this philosophy to a member of my own family I fall short All of my talk is meaningless, my words are insignificant, and my ethic void of action I've come face to face with a dark aspect of myself: me I cannot put aside my desires for constant stimulation and autonomy enough to gracefully help her She is bright and happy, sees the good in all without having met a single one I see this optimism and I groan, no hate, at its sight Innocence has become hateful to me Something to be mocked Rejected Ended I long to finish the ignorance, the blindness, and the naivety The great irony in all of this is that another’s happiness and joy engenders anger and despair in my heart This woman has only ever loved me She has come to me for help, which I give But with malice and resentment Two which she never gave to me This woman bothers me, annoys me, and I am around her everyday Why does she have to get old? Why do the names of her grandchildren now come with effort? Why does joy now present itself as childishness? Who told her to change my perceptions of her? It seems that with age comes the knowledge that things have never been what they seemed during youth I tire of babysitting a woman far from the age of an infant Recalling how his life’s end began with a similar display This has been a year of death Her presence creates a confrontation between my plans and my selfish reality And I despise her for it She does only good and I think only Racca I murder her every day, again, again, and again My mother’s constant question bears upon me Is the right thing easy or hard? Hard But it’s still right.