backwards

I am trying to hold on

i think that I am a burden 

I cannot cry

as she would come in the kitchen and poke my belly

then back to the basketball game

i hear flip flops back and forth

she calls my name to speak to me as if I were a little baby " hey baby can I have one of these"

about an hour ago she was yelling at me to shut up to my 29 year old brother who told me I should have some dick

as he takes her car keys and leaves.

i look at my fone and a threatening text message from my father reads "both of you cut that shit out before I come up there and smack the shit out of both of you" I take a screenshot and save it in my files with audio recordings

i am trying so hard to balance. To stay positive.

not even sure if I can make it this time around

noone to talk to and no one to trust

only strangers... I trust strangers..

like the one I slept with all night last week with no condom

I don't know if I can make a good wife

not really a good mother, how can I?

what chance could I have at being myself and everything is against 

i could barely be a good student studying : in class I think of friends that left, songs that play in my head while the professor talks, sex, or worse : the gunshots and the people talking in the street spirits stuck in my head

as I walk the hallways I hear classmates laughing, reading the bible

so I smile and I try...

attempts

But it is backwards

back and forth her flip flops play in my head

or maybe it's the rhythmic creek of my brother's bed

or maybe it's the papers that are due in 5 hours that I never started because I was so stuck on that last arguement

or the cloud of weed that gave me a headache all day in my bedroom that I couldn't sleep last night

or maybe my teacher asking if I was on crack for playing with the band during class

or maybe it's that I lost a friend I record an album only to find secret competition towards me

or maybe if I made enough money I could live on my own in NYC 

or maybe if I can practice at school someone would hear and interrupt 

like at home too

or maybe the jam session would be filled with vampires and envy

or maybe paying rent

only edamame and a gallon of water until my gig so I can buy a metrocard 

or im too pretty to sing in the train/ I'm too pretty to be single/ I'm too pretty I don't understand ..right? 

Oh noel get it together, almost everyone say but get it together for what?

a career it has so many hands in my soul and I still make $80 a week.