BASIC

When I was six years old I thought the moon was hispanic, la Luna

She was the first thing I romanticised

Back then, I wanted to be a little old lady who lived in a tiny blue house, making afghans from the sun puddles dappling her front porch

I would eat white rice for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and every window in my house would be made of stained glass

That dream was my way of protecting myself from fear before I knew what I was afraid of

Because people might call a woman like that loony and eccentric, but they would never call her vapid

What I fear most now is being stamped with high-school’s brand name: basic

All you need to bring someone down anymore is urban dictionary and a twitter account

Valley girl, airhead, snob, brat, call it what you will I want to be its enemy

So I turn my nose to the ground, and pray to Jesus that my blood would run red in my veins

Because I am a 17 year old white girl who has had the same starbucks order for three years

Because my leggings are a size 0

Because I am a stereotype so therefore I am basic

I push and pull myself, trying to find that socially acceptable middle ground

I need to be chill, but not boring

Independent, but not obnoxious

I need to be accepting and loving of everything except popular culture

If I wear too much makeup I’m vain, but if I don’t wear any I’m a hipster or a lesbian or both

If I think you’re wrong, then I hate you

And if I agree with you, I’m hopping on a bandwagon

If I love myself then I’m self righteous

And if I hate myself I’m complaining

I can’t want things if they’re stereotypical

And I can’t be religious, a republican, or own ugg boots

If I’m frigid, I need to counteract it with underage drinking

And if I’m a slut, then I need to be hot enough that no one cares

I need to throw myself to the ground, and grind me down with the heel of my patent leather ballet flat, coach purse and all, until I do not love anything too much or want anything too ambitiously

But, you know what?

Good luck trying to balance all of that out because no one will love you if they think you’re trying too hard

We live in a society where people are criticised for being alive

And that is so exhausting

But I am intelligent, and I am passionate

I love to act and write and speak and share with others

And I am the biggest risk-taker there is, because despite everything

And as exhausting as it is

I love myself

So, when I go to bed at night, I will press my ear to the pillow and pretend la Luna is on the other side, singing me spanish lullabies

And when I run into a long-haired woman leaving her little blue house, I will look into her eyes and see if they are as tired as mine