Battle Zone: Shame

Shame infiltrated as a tender root, slowly and without effort His secret grew silently inside encroaching on every cell till the marrow in my bones screamed out, “YOU are a liar.” To this phrase I listened and tried with all my might to not speak for fear I would get trapped in the lie. The lie, the marrow, the fear had grown to exceed the space in my body and out of my mouth spilled his name, Shame It would not stop, the flow of the truth had been unplugged and there was no dam The body convulsed to hold it in, tears rallied their forces and bulged out of my eyes as if this were their only chance of escape. Words of truth so painful that my chest hurt to speak, “When I was young…when I was young…” sickness filled my healthy body, poison released through my veins; it had waited until this moment to unleash full attack When I was young I did something I cannot speak But out they came each phoneme creating words that burst my lips, a force, an explosion Years of swirling inside not meant to be seen, Shame became He penetrated the thing most virtuous to my soul Innocent and ignorant of the truth hidden in deep crevasses, Shy had to form in me Slashing and sloshing she was my cover story for Shame until adolescent maturity told her to Shut Up Shy ran away to another part of my heart and hidden within were Shame and Shy After years of imprisonment, exposure of Shame and Shy Never had she left, never had she grown, stuck in the lie surrounded by dreams and fears In perfect opposition Shame grew elaborate and elegant his tale to my life, tall, dark and handsome I let him flourish. His identity being me. Shy and Shame trashed against Me, mitochondrial linkages were strained, paternal bonds stunted in growth Battle against the truth, a war had fully erupted, no prisoners were being taken Survival mode set in and constant strain of my muscles A weakness broke through the restraints I had created to hid Shame The wound is deep in the marrow of my bones Shame is strong and familiar but possible to rid him of my bondage Shaking fervently, trauma, to relive again and again is mortal torment The ER is willing to take in soldiers with fewer wounds Vulnerable is a lesser description of the openness of this wound This inappropriate use of My virtue kindles the flames of infernal torture Anger blows a horn to signal the arrival of its army Okay I say to this war in me Okay now is the time to unleash Gushing out to the ends of my existence, never before had it been so difficult In this weakened state I must let go of fear. My hands need the freedom to grasp sturdier weapons So much gore, pounds of flesh cover my garments I am too weak to stand alone A nurse comes out, out the blood flows Stop! It must stop else I die Cauterize it! Let it burn, all of it must burn The dross of Shame must never return, there is no room for it here All need to know that Shame has no place in Me, no place To speak with such power exhausted my strength, I withered I Collapsed upon my knees with my head bent over, wept Shame, just leave me, I can’t handle you anymore The pain is too great, please Great God fill me with something other than Shame Tears on My face, mind flowing with conduit connections to truth, “When I was young…” came clearly out, “I made a mistake. I am not a filthy liar with virtue gone. It was not my fault. My mind is one. My mind is ONE.” Shame dropped his lethal weapon, Shy smiled, they waved their white flag. Bleeding stopped and healing began New skin, resting of bones, and breathing without Shy and Shame is heavy to the soul but the heaviness is strength not weakness.