Be More

Do you see that girl?

That girl with the radiant smile, the bright doe eyes?

She is a reflection,

a facade, a mirror.

She is not real,

not yet at least.

"Smile more, speak more, be more," they say as though

it is the easiest thing to do.

If I could, if I could change,

don't they know that I would?

I'd be more confident. Be more assured.

I'd be more. More than who I am today.

"You don't seem to have much self-esteem," they say.

In a perfect world, I would look them in the eyes and say, 

"oh, but I do. I just don't show it."

I know it is a lie,

but who is to say it cannot be real?

Who says I can't change? 

Who says I don't want that more than anyone else?

They turn and reply, "but why change yourself, darling?"

Why?

Because I can do complicated mathematics problems, 

and I can recite a 5 page poem from memory and yet...

I cannot walk the streets without being told to "smile more."

I cannot give a food order without stumbling over my words.

I cannot comfort those I love.

How can I do any of these things when I do not have faith in myself?

How can I when my instincts cannot do as my mind commands?

"I will change," I tell myself.

I revel in the fact that it might be true 

and it might be false.

But when I look at those who believe in me,

how can I betray them by not believing in myself?

By not believing in my words?

Later, they ask me again, "what words define you?"

I offer a smile this time and reply, "no words can encapsulate me;

No words can dare summarize me as a person."

Definitions cannot change as I do.

Words cannot describe the transformation of self,

the emergence from a cocoon of self-deprecation, 

the becoming of a confidant, self-satisfied woman.

Self-esteem has never come easy for me,

but maybe now...

It will.