Because... I am...

NOW:

I am the new definitons of success--triumph,

BOLD, and even confidence.

Scratch out the definitons currently in the dictionary.

I am Priscilla.

In other words, I AM success. I AM triumph. I AM bold. I AM confidence.

The biggest difference between then and now: I didn't know these things, instead:

Self-hate,

Self-harm,

Self-induced issues,

and even being self-centered

consumed me as a whole,

SELF-ISH.

"But who is that SELF?

I am begging you

to tell me who I am

for me."

That's WHO I was. That's WHAT I was--on the surface, but

deep down I was always success.

Deep down I was always triumph.

Deep down I was always bold.

Deep down I was always confidence.

Realization:

I was not who everyone thought I was going to be.

I was not going to be dead.

As a matter of fact

I am more alive than ever.

I was not going to be the tenth child to not pass my sophomore year.

I passed my sophomore year.

I passed my junior year.

Graduating seven months before the expected date.

I AM going to college.

Not going to end up working, scraping, trying,

living out of my parents' pockets, then

choosing someone just to get out of the situation that I'm in.

I WILL be

independent.

I will not be the child who calls their mommy and asks for $100

because I could not make rent.

No.

I will be the adult who calls their mother

to invite her to dinner--at a nice restaurant--

to give her $1,000 because I made my rent,

bought my groceries for the month.

Before:

I was suicidal, depressed, and absolutley unmotivated.

"Cross your legs,

let your hair grow out a little longer,

pull your pants up,

stand up straight,

it's just the color pink,

pink doesn't define who you are,

and quit talking like that, your voice sounds too deep."

I internalized what my parents had said.

"Close my curtains, shut my door!"

I demanded.

So the pink shades of my blankets and pillows would not glow.

Death would creep up.

Day after day

Night after night

I remember death would creep up

and say,

"Give it up, give up the fight."

But I refused to give up,

I fought the fight

and now, compromise, acceptance, show one side

because I am and I am not, but I keep the peace.

I give crumbs to offer contentment so I can

wake up in the morning

so I'm thankful that the light

shines through my blinds.

I'm glad I'm here.

I laugh harder and I smile brighter

Because of myself,

I am determined. I am successful. I am triumphant.

I accept the struggle, still...

Because of my parents, I am bilingual.

I am bi-literate, capable of reading and writing in both English and Spanish.

Because of my 9 siblings, I am the last and first to break the cycle.

I will be the last and first to graduate from high school.

Almost drowning in the traditional box, traditional school, found an alternative,

alternatively found my potential and through transition grew.

Graduating 7 months before my traditional time.

Drug free because I have seen drugs with my blood rushing through them,

stumbling in with bloodshot eyes and sinister smiles.

Thankful, all attempts remained attempts and never turned into committed

because I've seen my dearests overdose and their families quickly destroyed.

Because of everyone who tried to convince me that I was less,

I am more.

Because of all of this, I am an artist,

Expressing myself through

drawing, painting, literature, playing instruments, dance.

Art, sensitive.

delicate, careful, thoughtful, tactful, intuitive.

I have a huge heart.

Because of all of this, I am an author.

Because I have been put in different situations and environments, I am resilient.

Because I have made it this far,

I am me.

I am Priscilla.

I am success. I am triumph. I am bold. I am confidence.

That is who I am now.

And I will only ever continue to, thrive, thrive, thrive.

I am more alive than ever.

I am alive.