Because I Love Me

I colored myself happy

To hide the me inside

They said I was too happy

Too nice

My innocent portrayal fading

A shallow darkness awaited

2.5. 2.5. 2.5.

I was almost there.

We almost made it.

But I couldn’t make it any longer.

Do you love me he asked.

Yes.

He asked again.

YES.

Hands hold me through the phone.

They keep me sane I think.

Please let go.

Do you love me.

Not a question anymore.

Not a question.

Yes.

No.

I love you, but love is not suffocation.

Love is not deprivation of friendships.

Love is not being on call 24/7.

Emotional punishment for needing 30 minutes alone.

Love is not an absence of trust.

An expectation that I

I would lust

For other men.

That was not me.

Just the me,

He would see.

Goodbye.

Hollow eyes connect.

Hearts disconnect.

Hand caress me,

From the mind that possesses me.

Let me see you one last time.

Take off your clothes.

I take them off one last time.

I shed a final skin

For him.

The boy I loved.

When love was a cry.

Don’t let me go.

Goodbye.

Who to be now, without that control

I didn’t know

Alcohol.

It filled the void.

Set me free for a night or two.

Left me a week to undo,

What I had done.

Until exhaustion left me where I began.

Empty.

Alcohol to fill the void.

I took it off.

Stripped myself of his love.

I set his morals free.

Rid myself of the control by he.

In doing so

lost me.

There was a me in he.

All I could think was he.

He trying to get me back,

Reaching out to me, saying he wasn’t angry.

But, it was my turn to be angry.

For the first time

In a long time.

I was angry.

Me in the he

who did this to me.

Fireball for the night

To set me free.

I took it off.

Let my happy go.

Stripped away the pain.

Standing there,

In their room.

Naked.

Freedom is the price I paid.

That booty

Can I touch it

Yes

She is too nice they had said

Too nice, I reminded myself

One said it was too big

Another told me not to lose it

That innocence

I was losing it

Losing it.

And just like that I lost it

For the second time

Opened my legs.

Someone new

Anything new

This time

Your bed is my bed

He said

Come to bed

He said

Hands crawl up my stomach.

So I sold myself

For free.

I lost it.

Another sip.

To be free.

Empty sips

Music so loud.

Guys coming on to me.

Coloring myself happy

In a crowd

Of people I don’t know

But they know me

I’m the girl who is free.

Go to sleep.

So I did.

Woke up feeling shaky.

Insomnia always wins.

Fighting, yelling, so alone.

Alone is being surrounded by people

You don’t know.

Or thought you knew.

So I ran away, and

I did the next day, and

The next day too.

-Today-

Opened the pill box

The pill

Flew out of my hand

Onto the ground

With me

On the ground

I was running late again

Picked it up really fast.

Pulled it together, one last time.

Swallowed my pride,

For a pill that would make me happy.

Color me happy

for me.

Zen.