Because I Love You
Because I love you,
I went
with war on my lips and death in my eyes
the love sickness coursing through my half-starved veins.
This thing between us now euthanized
by both time and memory.
Each silent second stammering out its toll.
Every time I hear your name
my hand shakes and shakes and shakes.
Endless tremors cracking into my façade of a life.
Shaking so hard they appear in my already illegible scribbles crawling up my arms.
Your love more toxic than the pen digging.
Digging into the emotions buried beneath the soft surface.
The screams I’ve cried trapped under my pink parchment
held in with shaking and balled blankets.
Each blanket sliding to the floor in my sleepless nightmares of hellfire.
The protection of childhood grasped by the monster under my bed.
The monster scratching
and scratching
and scratching
and scratching
under my skin.
Clawing its way to the surface
only to be held where it can’t be seen --
not by the ones meant to see,
not the ones who live with you,
not the ones locked in with you day in and day out,
not the ones trained to see.
They can’t see past the sarcasm I wear like a cloak,
past the caked-on emotions.
Because you love me, do you see the black carpetbags under my eyes?
Do you feel the weariness that fogs my vision?
Because you love me…
do you?
The leash you tied around my neck slowly choking,
pushing the air out of my lungs as you whisper in my ear
“I love you”.
Each expectation forcing me higher and higher
each time my brothers fall teaching me my lessons.
Your cold shoulder and cold looks
as they walk out,
different from the sharp tongue that follows me.
I could feel and see it all
as I walked your halls;
because, I loved you.
Because I love you…
because I love you, I’ll keep it close to my chest but never again
– because as much as I love you
I love me more.