Because I love you...
My dearest Natalie,
Because I love you I tell to change
I tell you that you are too fat
I tell you that you need to starve
I tell you that you will never, ever, be good enough,
But it's only because I love you.
Because I love you I make you lie
The words "I'm fine" will escape your lips easier then the words "I need you" ever will.
I do this to keep you safe!
The world is a cold dark place and you will get hurt if you let your guard down for even a second.
I do this because I love you.
You complain and cry and try to seek help.
I tell you to be afraid of help.
I tell you that tears make you weak.
You tell me you want to be happy, you tell me you want confidence, you tell me you want food.
I tell you that you've already lost five pounds. That will make you happy.
I do this because I love you.
You don't understand all I do for you.
With out me you would be nothing!
With out me you are nothing but weak.
I make you stronger yet you push me away
You talk to doctors about me,
you try to get rid of me.
I stay because I love you.
I sit next to you during therapy sessions and tell you to promise the doctor your getting better
She doesn't really care you know.
Its her job to act like she does.
You nod and again those words like music to my ears
"I'm fine"
I smile because I love you.
Because I love you I sit and watch every bit of you fade away
I watch you morph into the person I envisioned.
I watch as you finally learn to not cry,
As you finally learn to lie.
I watch as you become me.
I watch this because I love you.
Now I am quiet.
You think I have gone away.
You think I am done trying to change you.
You smile because you are free.
I let you believe this because I love who you have become.
But slowly you change...
It starts with a glance from a boy.
He will never love you I whisper in your ear
My words echo in your head as you hand him your number
Your hand shakes like an earthquake so strong it could rip lands apart.
I worry because I love you
You go on a date, then another and another.
He tells you you're beautiful.
He makes you feel special.
He lies.
I feel my grasp on your life slipping away,
I say this because I love you.
Slowly you begin to ignore me. It gets worse and worse until eventually...when he's around
I'm nothing but a weak whisper in the deep dark corners of your mind.
The words "I'm fine" morph into "I love you"
Your smile becomes genuine and your walls crumble like my dreams for you did the moment that...that boy walked into my..your life.
I'm scared because I need you...
Now I say goodbye.
You don't listen to my whispers.
You don't listen when I tell you you're fat.
You eat chocolate again.
You smile again.
He makes you smile again.
He has chased me away with his kind words and strong arms.
He has made me weak.
I leave because...He loves you.
Till next time,
Anxiety
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