Because I Love(d) You

My love, you have always been fire and marble—

Intense, eyes flashing, passion written across your body like a fiery Apollo.

But if you were Apollo, my dearest, damning love, I am Icarus, the fool who flew too close and took the fall…

 

All because I loved you, and love makes good people do foolish things.

 

I remember the day we met like it was yesterday—

You were golden and glowing as radiant as the sun,

And I knew you were perfect, a piece of art cut from stone and come to life like a living, breathing David. Every line and every curve of you was carved with the divine intent to become the ne plus ultra of the human race.

And I remember, for just a blink of Time’s heavy eyes, you smiled down at me, and I knew that I was lost to you forever,

 

All because I loved you, and love makes even the foulest fair.

 

Thus began our parody of romance, playing the parts of predator and prey in a deadly, dangerous dance—the kind clever Odysseus escaped by a hair’s breadth.

We danced in the golden glow of the streetlamps beneath a starless sky,  to the music of your breath in my hair and my laughter on the wind.

In that moment, I would have carved out my heart for you, dearest Apollo, but you reached down my throat and pulled it out through my mouth.

You stole away my love, my life, as a tribute for your shrine—my eyes were stinging, my throat was screaming, and everything within me was raw and bleeding, but you kissed me softly with a simple smile and told me that it was alright, that I was forgiven for my human weakness, and I believed you.

After that, I thought I never felt a thing.

 

All because I loved you, and love is an anesthetic.

 

You made love to me like your music—

You played me, pulled at me, cut me into the shape of a harp and strung me along with the finest of strings,

Saying that I was your creation, something to be shown off, a trophy of sorts.

 

All because I loved you.

 

You kept me there, kept me close—

Not because you loved me.

Not because you needed me.

Not because I ever meant anything to you.

But only because I loved you.

Only because I worshipped you.

Only because you were my sun and all my stars.

 

It was only later that I saw the truth.

It was only later that I saw that you used me and abused me, thinking that you’d never lose me.

It was only later that I realized how little you cared for me, for anyone but yourself.

It was only later that I found out how damaging the words “shut up” could be.

It was only later that I realized that the only thing worse than my foolish infatuation was your nonchalance.

It was only later that I gathered the courage to believe that I could survive without you.

And it is only now that I leave you, with tears in my eyes and a hole in my heart,

 

But only because I loved you, I am beginning to realize what love truly is.

 

Just because I love you does not mean I cannot be separate from you,

Just because I love you does not mean that I always have to agree with you,

Just because I love you does not make you a god.

 

Because I love you, I’m not giving you my passwords anymore, or letting you write ‘mine’ on my arms like graffiti in a bathroom stall. Because I love you, I am going to stand my ground and speak my piece even when you tell me how wrong and stupid I am.

 

And because I love me, I can no longer love you.

 

This poem is about: 
Me

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