#BecauseILoveYou
Because I loved you,
I chose deep conversation over deep sleep.
I didn’t mind being trampled
by my own thoughts
Because I loved you,
I twisted my tongue, I swallowed word vomit, I told myself it was not the time
When would it ever be the time?
Because I loved you,
I let you go
down crooked paths and hated myself for it later
I allowed you into my fortress without the secret code
I traded full size beds for Barnes and Noble floors
I crowned myself because you couldn’t do it for me.
Because I loved you,
I cried in the rain and in the sun and on my knees and on my feet
and in the backs of cars and behind phone screens.
I listened to your music even though I’d already heard it.
Because I loved you,
I took up dreaming.
I ignored the sirens of reason aiming
to steal my peace and snatch my freedom—
I knew you’d never let them.
Because I loved you,
I purchased time I could not afford.
I crossed caution tape
I opened closed doors
to my home and my heart but who could tell the difference?
Because I loved you,
I disguised my tears with silence.
I overthought and underexplained and overexposed.
Discarded feelings decayed to skeletons in the closet—
Rattling bones
we heard and ignored like drips from a faucet.
I got tired
and let it flow.
Because I loved you,
I talked too much, I talked too long,
I prayed for touch and repented.
I tip-toed over cracks in broken hearts
I told you dark scars were beauty marks.
And begged you to believe me.
Because I loved you,
I nagged you.
I dragged you by your ear through the phone.
I mothered you. I sistered you.
I clothed you. I brothered you.
I fed you. I fed you. I fed you.
I smothered you.
And felt loved by you.
Because I loved you,
I conveniently forgot.
I felt guilty for remembering.
I pretended you were a ghost
Ambition justified my solitude.
How much I didn’t need you outweighed how much I wanted you.
I was tired of being tired of talking,
so I stopped.
I watched you sow seeds in the ground I cursed.
Growing pains etched stretch marks like rivers
I drank from the well of my water works
The thieves in me soon became givers
Because I love you,
I choose communication over quiet pining
I no longer find solace in silence
I swivel between contemplation and expression
I strive to find a balance.
Because I love you,
I shatter magnifying glasses over mistakes
I starve lies from my own tongue and yours
I feed faith
and fuel truth
I do not seek to embarrass you
Because I love you,
I do not invalidate your feelings.
I empathize with your struggles.
I operate outside of my mental bubble
And respect your ability to make decisions.
Because I love you,
I take no advantage
of your loyalty and your truth
I learn your patterns, your emotions, your standards
I see flaws as side effects of youth
Because I love you,
I choose being love over being right
I crossover double lines to see your side
I understand I am not the oxygen
in your body stringing together our lives
Because I love you, I know I’m not your savior.
Because I love you,
I take time to thank you
for leaving me better than where you found me
for showing me family is not always something you’re born into
for knowing all my issues and still deciding to stay
Because I love you, I collapse. I let go. I trust in your hands, I’m okay.