#BecauseILoveYouScholarship

Because I’ve been here before This familiar place is a whirlpool of confusion As it spins around and around into silence… Because my brain was speaking, Mutely in my head and I screamed out loud, I HATE YOU!! Because the mirror reflected an image of disappointment Because I’ve been so deformed with despair, That I can’t even accept the image of myself as beautiful. I mean, not even a little bit attractive, No gauzes, band-aids, or even makeup can cover up the bruises that you left here & it’s because you chose her… or maybe us both. Not understanding with the tears that fell or with the voices that were in my head, But with the scar on my right eye, & you said, “it was because I love you” If I speak out, that binding statement is broken, But how could I let you do this, & how could I let you leave? & these thoughts all because I love you But it was because you love me and I love you that I refused to love myself I refused to let myself believe that this isn’t what love looks like Red hearts, now broken… red cuts, now open Exposed… I refused to walk away With one glance into your eyes, they shot webs at my feet that bound me to you for eternity, I refused to be lonely To allow one thousand four hundred and sixty days go to waste, We can fix this right? I refused to move on I refused my own happiness by choosing to love you, refusing to let go, choosing to stay strong Refusing to love myself So, because I love you I will not live without you & you deciding to leave me is more hurtful than me wanting to leave you It is spring but it feels like winter, no flowers blossom here Everywhere but here, they bloom so beautifully, Lines filled with emptiness on my wrists now permanent markings Salty storms fall into the red abyss, & it burns Because I love you My desperation for leaving this world, leaving this pain behind, Leaving my exterior armor of perception that has now rust, was greater than living But because I love you, I must let you go… He heard my cry Because I love you I allowed you to control everything in me, that power Because I love you I became the most vulnerable, afraid, the most broken & as I repair I’m able to look at myself and say, I love you & because I love you, you’re beautiful Because I love you, you’re smart Because I love you, you’re unique Because I love you, you deserve better Because I love you, you deserve tenderness Because I love you, you’re one of a kind Because I love you, I will never allow this feeling again, & because I love you no one else can because with that feeling of “love”, brings pain But healing is in process and when those wounds cease from throbbing, I’ll be able to look at you and say, “Because I loved you, I will forever love you Just never like that.’ But I must first look at myself and say, “Because I love you I am strong and powerful That will never change.” -Brittany Grant