before there were boys you came first

When I think of you, I remember your greed how you used to take and take from me You didn’t even let me get my first heart break You ruined love before it could even take shape Just because your hands aren’t holding onto me Doesn’t mean my mind is finally free You don’t hold my body like you did before But your voice still lingers behind every door Avoid attachment, ptsd I wonder what else you planted in me I only kiss people when I drink too much And leave when relationships get too close to touch Comfort makes me nervous; love makes me run The second it gets real I know I am done Nightmares wake me shaking with fear Your whisper still burning inside my ear Whispering words I still can’t erase, Memories I wish I could replace. You used to feel like safety to me, Back before I could finally see. When I used to think of you, I felt despair, Like every memory still left you there. Now I try my hardest not to think of you, But sometimes I wonder if you feel ruined too. Like you should hide yourself away from the sun but then i remember you are his son Do you think of yourself as a child or a perve? You have lowered my standards of love that I think I deserve. I can’t accept caring or empathy Nor do I feel safe when someone says they are there for me You taught me love could wound me too But before there were boys to break my heart, there was you