Before you can stay

Your reach for hand, but I slip away I Laugh and pretend it is a game I play You look at me so soft like you are ready to stay But I will build up my wall and wait til you sway Everyone tells me “hes good for you” And it hurts to know it is true People will say “what are you scared of” but those people have never had to fight for love they stand a little close and I step back heart on a a glass floor about to crack you talking about “us” like its something real I joke and deflect to try and not feel They see butterflies I see alarms They feel love and I feel sweaty palms He says my name like its something sweet Talking like I am the only girl he wants to meet Everyone is getting into relation ships too Something I have never manged to do Because the second it turns real the seconds its near The second affection turns to fear Its safter to just say he is not right Safter to ghost him then stay the night I want to feel love But when it does come around all I do is shove I push it as far away from me as possible Because keeping them close then letting them go is irresponsible I don’t know why I even believe anymore The second it gets real they get pushed out the door Ghosted and blocked is just what I do Because I can’t stand you knowing all of me and me knowing all of you You say my name like it means something true Like you see the parts I am trying to undo And the closer you try to get the more I retreat Turning warm moments into a cold defeat The labels control me The fear blinds me till I can’t see I run away I have never manged to stay To keep them close but fair enough away They become my friends, and they stay that way Because if I fall and you change your mind Ill lose the ground I worked to find So id rather leave you wanting more Then watch you walk out of my door I don’t want to lead you on So don’t be shocked if I am randomly up and gone He reaches closer my biggest fear I don’t date I say loud and clear I don’t date, not now, not today Its just my way to keep your hurt away Next time it will be different I tell myself in vain But for now ill push til you can no longer remain