Best Friend

Do you believe in love?

Because sometimes it’s difficult for me to understand.

Sometimes when I feel your eyes on the back of my head,

I could almost feel ‘love.’

When I look at you,

I don’t feel the kind of ‘love’ you want me to feel.

I don’t feel the longing to hold your hand.

I don’t feel the need to be close to you.

From the beginning,

I was afraid that this friendship would get out of hand,

And I was right.

I shared with you my deepest secrets.

We sang together.

We laughed together.

We cried together.

And I was afraid that you would want more.

I only saw you as a friend.

Maybe even a brother.

I’ve never viewed you as anything more.

So when you told me,

“I love you.”

I couldn’t say it back.

You said that it was okay,

You respected my decision.

But would, later on, admit that you were deeply hurt.

You thought that you deserved that special place in my heart,

And I honestly felt guilty for rejecting you.

But I could never play along and act like I loved you.

Because I don’t.

Eventually, you would become cold and distant.

I wouldn’t question your actions,

Because everyone has their bad days.

But you would constantly give me a look-

A grimace of disgust.

It was as if you couldn’t stand to look at me.

And I was once again afraid.

I was scared that I would lose a friend.

I would later find out that you’ve told others about me.

You said that I rejected you,

And that I couldn’t see your efforts.

Many of your friends told you to go find someone else,

Because I wasn’t worth your time.

Some thought that I was ungrateful for not giving you that special place in my heart.

My classmates would try to convince me to give you a chance.

They told me that I should open my eyes and realize that you’re a good person.

But they didn’t understand.

It’s not that simple.

I’m afraid.

I’m not ready to let anyone get too close.

I’m still waiting for my ‘special person,’

And I knew for sure that you weren’t that person.

I didn’t feel a connection with you.

I wasn’t happy with you.

Maybe I was happier before you confessed-

Because you’ve changed.

You’re not the same person I knew before.

You’ve somehow convinced yourself that there’s a relationship between us.

You’ve twisted my words and made them into your own song.

You slowly started to create your own little world.

A world where you and I were together.

I was aware of your fantasies,

But I didn’t know what to do.

You’ve told me that you wished I could feel your pain.

Because, in your eyes, you’ve sacrificed so much for me.

But not once have you told me about any of your ‘sacrifices,’

And I could only conclude that all of these things that you’ve done for me-

Were done in your own ‘little world’ of imagination.

The days when I would get so frustrated,

I would cry in the shower while whispering words in hushed anger.

My tears would wet my pillow at night and I’d be a mess in the morning.

When I saw your torn knuckles and empty eyes,

I realized that this had gone too far.

I had to do something.

I needed to fix this.

I stopped talking to you.

I stopped texting you.

All communication ceased.

I wasn’t sure if what I was doing was hurting you,

But I knew that this would help the both of us.

I understood that we would never be able to recreate our previous friendship.

Yet, I could only wish that this pain would help us grow into better individuals.

I was clearly hurting you,

And you were hurting me.

This ‘friendship’ has turned sour.

This is no longer a healthy relationship.

I could only pray that you’ll find someone better.

Someone who'll love you,

Someone who'll treasure what you do for them.

Maybe you’ll find the one who'll respect you,

They’ll listen to what you have to say,

And they might even consider dedicating their life to you.

Because these are all cornerstones of a healthy relationship.

A relationship we didn’t have.

I’m sorry that I hurt you so much,

But you are not the person who is destined for me.

I may never understand your affection for me,

But I will always treasure you-

Because you're important to me and I care about you.

I want you to know that regardless of what happens between us,

I love you.

Not as a lover,

But as a best friend.

You’re someone who I treasure and look out for.

And I hope you know that because I love you,

I forgive you.