Big Girls Don't Cry

Age five with slow breaths and tucked underneath the ragged duvet comforter she is woken up by a strange man in her room

He tells her to be quiet

Her brothers are sleeping

Mommy is gone away somewhere

There is no one around

There is no one to protect her 

Mommy didn’t believe her when she told her that a mean man came into her room

That he put his private parts in her mouth

That he gave her a fudge popsicle to shut her mouth 

Where was Mommy when all of this happened?

Where was God when she was being raped by Mommy’s boyfriend?

He whispers in her ear, My daughter, I am right here. This is not meant for you. Give me your troubles and fears. I love you. 

No tears were shed

At least, not until everyone was gone

Until no one could see that it hurt that not even Mommy believed her 

Age five she is taken away from her brothers and Mommy

One, Three, Seven

No more family 

No more mac n’ cheese to bring her comfort

It is only her and herself

Time to be a big girl 

Time to act like an adult Gracie

No games

No coloring

Survive and move on Gracie

You only have yourself Gracie

Age eleven she gets moved from out of the dismal group home

She is still in the system

She is still in foster care six years later

Foster brother doesn’t like her 

She took his spot as the youngest

The oldest doesn’t like her very much either

She doesn’t know why

The middle child is the only one that cares about her

She gets comfortable in this home

She calls her foster parents mom and dad

She calls her foster siblings brother and sister

She forgets that she is still in foster care

Age fifteen dad and mom are workaholics; she is invisible once again

Anxiety starts to creep in; it mocks her

Depression has latched onto her now paling skin

Mom and Dad don’t see that she is being eaten alive

The monster stands in the mirror

She doesn’t like what she sees

Why can’t I be pretty? Why do I have to look so ugly all the time? She breathes

She is vile

She is revolting

She trusts no one; not even herself

Age sixteen she just wants to get through the day

Every day takes its toll on her 

She is so tired

She doesn’t want to live anymore

What’s the point in this? I serve no purpose. She utters

Age seventeen Dad yells at Mom

Dad is ill, Mom says

Dad is on drugs, Mom says

She starts to feel overwhelmed

Grace contemplates the inky feeling of death

What would it be like?

Would I finally be free?

The docs give her medicine

They say she’s just depressed

You aren’t yourself, they say

You have to be happy, they say

You need to smile

You have to laugh

You aren’t sad

You can’t be 

You aren’t allowed

Where is the Grace that loves everyone?

Where did she go?

Big girls don’t cry Grace.

So, don’t cry.