Bildingsroman

It was a

Snap

That

Slapped

Your hand across my mouth.

Silence.

What a deadly sound!

Shots of pain and

A loss,

But not only a loss.

A bloodless murder,

A peaceful genocide,

A gutless debowling:

My punishment or being so

Young

Only 8, maybe 7, I don’t know

Those kinds of memories fade fast

It was the afternoon

1 or 2 or maybe 4

Those fading memories!

We sat on the couch

In the living room

Or your room

I sat down first.

no!

You did!

No!

You invited me!

NO!

Those FUCKING memories!

My invisible straight jacket,

Your broken chains.

I screamed without sound

The couch creaked

Your hands found their way to my throat.

The click of the clock was deafening

I am never good with numbers

But in that moment I discovered that

There are 7,200 seconds in 2 hours

I left the house and I left my body with

Dizzying speed I floated above my street

And saw a poor stumbling fool

A pathetic idiot

Too bad they weren’t killed

A fish that swam into the gaping mouth of a shark

Too stupid to be believed or

To live.

This was a theft  

No worse:

A rape of my innocence,

A rape of my trust,

A rape of my life,

A rape.

I got too comfortable

To a body that is controllable

To a peaceful mind

A smile to give in kind

With a life

I didn’t want to end.

I should have known

My innocence was too alluring

My supple skin too attraction

Prepubescent body too sexy, too sought after

Too available for your gaze.

Every shadowy figure is you

Every nightmare is you

Every time I dare find a remnant of innocence or joy

I am raped all over again.

My eyes are hell,

My face is fire.

It is what you have done and more

It is your every waking nightmare

That will rip your worthless

Body apart until it is

Nothing

But a burning ball of nerves that traps you in a

Perpetual pain

I want you to fucking look!

So I could see

But you never did.

It was so quick.

One, two

They tortured you

Three, four

You lost the war

Five, six

You found your fix

Seven, eight

You shot yourself

Maybe I suffer from a version

Of your perversion that killed me.

Because I want to see your

Brains on your granite countertop  

But I never did.  

I wanted you to look at me

But you never did.

You showed me my future in a way

In the most awful way

But in a way.

Rip away the nightmares, horrors and morals from it

And you only took the child from me prematurely

You just showed me what I was in for..

I can’t wait for dropped jaws and gasps from my words

I can’t wait to smile.

Because we are not entirely different from you are we?

We love a young body:

Sweet tight skin

Baby eyes, baby voices

School girl outfits and

Boyish looks

You loved it to the extreme

We love youth and

Try everything we can to capture the golden past.

We cover our faces with paint,

Chip away at our bones,

Inject our faces,

Cover ourselves in chemicals

In an attempt to deny the inevitable

We try to grab our youth,

You just took it from someone else.

You just showed me what it means to grow up.

I thought of falling for boys

Then getting heartbroken.

I thought of my new car,

Then driving it with my friends.

I thought of college,

Then maybe a desk and suits.

I was so stupid that it hurts.

I want to tell the truth at a slant

The truth may shine too bright

It may make you blind.

But I don’t know if I can

You never gave me the slant.

You promised me protection,

Behind these white picket prison bars,

Towering cement sentries and

These lead and explosive agents of death.

But you killed me.

Who am I to shelter you?

Who am I to slant the truth for false security?

I’ll be giving you what you want.

But I still want you to see.