The Bitch in the Mirror

I 

*Pause for dramatic effect*

Am a cold-hearted BITCH 

Because eventually,

I'm going to do something that YOU don't like

Something of my own free will

With my own common sense

Who cares what it will be

Only that it will THOROUGHLY piss you off 

Sure, 

It'll be all my fault since I don't listen

But it will be all your fault for the exact same reason 

No one will ever win this 

Tug of war 

We've gotten into

And you can FORGET about bringing in a "neutral third party" 

To settle the score 

Objectivity is quite impossible for humans 

We've all lived 

Breathed 

Laughed 

And loved 

At one point or another in our lives 

We all have our emotional scares 

Burned and branded  into our conscience

We all have our trigger words 

That turn the tides against logical 

And back to personal atrocities 

In fact,

The only people capable of not letting their feelings 

Get in the way of their judgments 

Aren't people at all

They're rigid mainframes 

Human-made 

Yet supposedly flawless in 

configuring the follies of our lifestyles 

How do you figure that?

And while the Borg are hell-bent

On ridding the universe of primal emotions 

Data works to evolve and become MORE human

You'd think highly intellectual machinery 

Would move on and stop fixating 

On the Homosapiens

Let the monkeys just kill themselves off

In a few millennia 

Robots have time to spare over us right?

Oh, but here I am 

Fretting over the semantics of A.I.s 

When you're probably out there thinking 

Who the fuck cares about Doctor Who?

My response being: 

YOU'RE NOT LISTENING! 

The grass is definitely greener on my side 

Because I have a captive audience to hear my brilliance

 You have a raving lunatic that you shouldn't yell 

GET OFF THE STAGE! to

I mean you could 

But then I would get to call you the bitch 

So what if I'm much louder than you?

So what if I have walking backwards down to a 'T'?

So what if I sometimes sing off key?

(Which is a hell of a lot more than you can say)

So what if I can fall asleep on command?

The second I sit down, I'm asleep 

And there goes my all night study party/cram session spectacular  

So what if I'm more flexible than you?

Do you think I'm actually putting that flexibility to good use? 

If  y'know what I mean 

So what if you say it isn't fair that I'm smart?

I sure as hell don't feel that way when you misconstrue 

My need to be polite to ALL people 

As being a ditzy push-over

'Cause let me tell you

I've been holding back a few choice words for you for the last 89 days

Since you decided that having no friends 

Means that you can pretend 

That the slut at work is your friend 

So you can get wasted every weekend 

With the older kids

Feeling less sorry about yourself 

Than the bitch you were a few months ago

Who turned up her ass at every mention of alcohol or drugs

But at least had the decency 

To stick to her morals 

Doesn't matter what I think

It matters what BULLSHIT 

You let slide past your occipital lobe

Through you limbic lobe

Into your insular cortex 

I can't tell you that you’re sweet

Or sassy-fun

Or have a great interpretation of 

the paradigm shift 

That led to movies such as 

You've Got Mail and 

The Social Network 

They're not GOOD compliments

They're not what you want to hear 

I can't tell you what PARTS 

Of you are beautiful 

Because you want to hear 

That every inch of you 

Was hand-crafted from the gods 

Sorry, hun

That is twenty thousand nautical miles 

From the truth

And I am NOT your relative 

Or boyfriend 

Or girlfriend for that matter

I don't have to cower in fear 

Of loosing you 

I already have lost you 

'Cause you're the fucked up mess

That got thrown out of the bar last night 

And into the dumpster 

And I'm the bitch 

Who told you put the Vodka down 

After ten shots 

I'm the queer freak

who lets you cry on her shoulder

Every time someone points out how useless you are 

And you're the acidic harpy

That never lets me pretend a boy was more vital to my happiness

Then he really was 

But we're NEVER going to LISTEN to each other

We live to be broken

Misused 

Abused to the point of 

No refunds or exchanges

even WITH receipts

We grew up in a polluted bubble 

Where no one is happy with what they've got

So they search for someone who isn't already there's 

To say that they were never really broken in the first place

And if we get battered

And smattered on the canvas of popular culture

A few times over before we find our first-aid-kit of a significant other

Then who cares?

At least it'll keep 'em busy, right? 

So you can keep being too fat 

Or ugly 

Or dumb 

Or not artistic enough

Not athletic enough 

Not good enough to be an international sensation 

And I'll keep being your bitch

Your human punching bag

Your best friend for never 

Who is always there to cheer you up

But will never be good enough 

To really perk you up

I'm just too honest to give in 

To their bullshit about you

I'll stick to my bullshit if that's fine with you

I'm too weird

Too weird for the girls to hang with

Too weird for the guys to flirt with

And too weird for ANYONE to love 

At size 2 I was too fat to be a 00 

And at size 8 I was too fat to be a 4

Once I gave up trying to be a 2 

But the plus size models don't even look fabulous 

Until they reach size 12 

And never get larger than 16

When I look in the mirror

I see someone with a head too small for their body

But a head too big to be normal

Hair too scruffy to manage 

Not enough piercings

Or tattoos 

They're might as well be a warning label on me 

That says 

*Danger Crime Against Humanity Coming Your Way*

My only consultation is that when I wake up in the morning

I see a fat ass straight ahead in my bathroom mirror

But when I turn 90 degrees

I see one of the slimmest 

"Hottest" 

Profiles ever to grace my eyes

Thinking to myself 

maybe today won't be so bad