boyfriend

i dont want to be writing a poem about you because if i write about you then it means you have hurt me and i dont want you to have hurt me. i dont want to type these words because if i type them it makes them real and im begging god to make them dissapear but my fingers keep clicking and the words continue to flicker onto this bright white screen like the memories of the words you swore you would keep. i dont want these printed letters to flow so smoothly as if the thoughts in my head are valid enough to prove right the pain in my heart that says i should lower my standards. remember when i was a kid and my mother said to keep my expectations low so i would never be dissapointed. so i could always expect the least out of people, prepare for the absolute worst possibilities so that when it happened- as it always does- i wouldnt have to feel it because i would never have expected anything better from people. so i dont. i stick to the reality that no one will ever do what i want them to, that the world will never do me right. that no matter how fucking much i wish i werent writing this poem, i am. because despite how much i hoped you'd prove me wrong, i should have lowered my expectations because now i have let myself get hurt. and you say its nothing but i now its something. and because my expectations gave you leeway for good, i expected you to keep to good and when you slipped so did i but my slip was an oceanic rift dropping me down onto the rocks at the bottom of the waterfall and every time i try to breathe, i feel water in my lungs from the promises you made to me but now i doubt every word you say. because my expectations are back to their proper place, the lowest they can be. the bottom of the waterfall against the rocks with me. because if i expect you to hurt me, it wont hurt me as much when you do it again. i can make myself numb the next time i have to write a poem about you.