I have reached a point in my life where

I wake up most days feeling somewhere between “okay” and so goddamn happy

That I feel like a kid climbing a tree who has just reached a branch

higher than they ever had before

This is a place I haven’t known since I was ten years old

And I am so happy, about finally being happy

That when I think about it, it makes me even happier

 

I can say that I have reached a point in my life where

I can do things again

My motivation and my passion have kindly decided to return to me

Apologizing for their rather atrociously long leave of absence

And making me into a person who can work and play and

See her goals and climb towards them again

And I feel so alive, and when I think about how alive I feel

I feel even more alive

 

But I’m scared

I am scared that the medication

I have come to rely on like an old friend will someday turn its back on me

Again

I am scared that the assholes in our government that see people me like me as lazy kids

Who just need to pull ourselves up by our britches and stop being so sad all the time

Will pass the legislation that makes my care too expensive for a family, my family,

that can barely afford the groceries

I’m scared that I’ll be dependent on more and more pills for the rest of my life

Higher and higher dosages to ensure the depression is kept at bay

And take everything else away along with it?

 

I am scared that I still won’t be able to live up to the person

I always saw myself being

Scared that it is too late, scared that things got too messed up

Scared that my years of fighting a losing battle with mental illness

Have set me too far back to ever reach any of my dreams

My dreams so bright and larger than life

Can they be for a person who will never quite know

What it means to be “well”?

 

Thinking of all this

I am reminded of a saying I have heard many times, in many forms

In my own words,

Bravery is not an absence of fear

But rather, bravery is when you feel the utmost fear

When you feel so scared you think you might die

Or, less dramatically, pee your pants

Bravery is when you feel that fear

And you run into battle anyway

 

And I will be brave