Breathe

This is my ninth year of studying like this

I give up time for myself, my family, and my friends

all in the hopes of getting a college degree 

because that will help me get a career

and i need a career to make money

and i need money to pay for daily living expenses

(that's how this system works, right?) 

If you listen to "Breathe" from In the Heights

and if you relate to Nina, you might know what I'm talking about 

We are the ones who stay up past midnight, reading, writing, solving problems 

We are the ones who apologize to our families for missing dinner due to homework

We are the ones who think we're not good enough if we score anything below 100%

We are the ones who get awards (because recognition is important, right? that's how our efforts are validated, no?) 

We are the ones who list extracurricular activities on our resumes like it's a hobby 

I am the one his mother talks about, teasing him to date me (is it because I've been a straight A student for most of my life and she wants her son to have a smart girl in his life?) 

I am the one the office staff talks about, praising me for being such a good girl--so kind, so intelligent

I am the one my classmates talk about, thinking that I have my life together and that I fall asleep at 10 PM every night 

I am the one my coworkers talk about, complaining they don't understand math like me (little do they know i'm clueless and i'm struggling in calculus) 

I am the one teachers talk about, commending my academic performance 

But who am i 

when i am alone

with my thoughts

and nobody's around 

to witness my tears

i forget to breathe

under the pressure to meet 

people's expectations

first impressions matter 

i have a reputation to maintain 

i feel restricted

like i can't cuss

because if i do, that means i have a dirty mouth 

i feel lonely

like i can't date 

because if i do, my family might think i don't take my education seriously 

i feel stuck 

like i can't miss a homework assignment

because if i do, that means i'm not a good student 

i'm slowly learning how to breathe

head up

shoulders back

back straight

deep breath in through my nose

exhale out of my mouth 

i place my hand over my diaphragm 

and i feel the air swell up inside, ballooning

as i release the tension, it deflates to nothing but serenity 

this is a slow process

but at last, 

i can 

breathe