Breathe...

today was pretty easay, but today is not tonight. at night is when it can get hard. last nigt and the night before... oh boy the night before last. my thoughts were the darkest that i think they've ever been. i seriously considered leaving everything behind (whether that be running away somewhere new or RUNNING AWAY is not clear) <<< the line was too fuzzy.

to the person that is living my life but way better in a parallel world somewhere: how?

some days it feels like i'm watching myself live my life from the outside in. i can feel myself going through the motions of my day or my week, sometimes my entire month... but... it's not me doing any of it. i wish i had the answer to that feeling. i wish i had the answer to a lot of feelings. i wish i knew the answers to all the things going not right in my life, like why does it feel like i have all these great ideas and goals for my future but they're never going to be my reality? DON'T say it's because i'm not motivated, i am, it's just i think about my future and then i think about the now and it gets really dark really fast and my happiness and the light go away and i'm left with the hole of this emptiness that's my reality because i'm me and i don't know if i'm meant to have those things. < i hate that part of me that makes me that makes me think that. it won't be like this forever right? i'll find my permanent light... right? 

 

these will just be words one day with no meaning, just sounds and ink on paper... right? 

i feel a good kind of empty now. a light kind of empty.

the stuff i feel i can't say without "are you sure you're okay?" following will live here in these pages. they have a home now and i am vacant for the next set of words and sounds to move in and destroy what i have put back together. that's how it happens.

like clockwork.

 

Breathe...

This poem is about: 
Me

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