Breathing is Killing

Do you think breathing is a part of feeling because I certainly do

I think at some point the air in my lungs will give out and deflate and become nothing but ash

Sometimes I scream into my mind because it's better than being alone

My heart is a fire in my chest and each breath causes the emotions I feel to erupt with vengeance

At that point, my brain cries out for me - my pain tolerance screaming and so

I hold my breath

My boyfriend sees me faint so much it's like I'm more scratched record than human

I'm afraid that by holding my breath I've lost so many unuseful brain cells

But when I hold my breath when the air isn't creating quills in my chest

It doesn't feel so much like my heart is being stapled to my ribcage

Sometimes my breath is stolen from my lungs wanting me to die

I suffer from asthma

Except I don't suffer I live with I don't know anything but asthma

All I know is using it as an excuse whenever I pass out into my boyfriend's arms

As he holds me awake and tears fill my eyes and he always looks at me and hugs me

How many times can you faint before you're more time delays than alive?

Maybe by holding my breath I am getting as close as possible to being dead

And somehow that feels so much better than living

So between my lungs stealing my breath and my brain telling me to hold it when do I actually breathe?

When am I actually alive and not just a being going through the movements?

Is the world really at a loss if I die if I'm not even really human?