Broken and Shattered

I could remember the day of my son’s death, while looking at his gravestone.

It was peaceful with the sun shining her rays on the community,

With clear, blue skies covering the houses,

Children laughing while playing in the streets.

And men playing dominos by the shop,

With rum cups scattered on the ground.

I remembered seeing my son Sanjae in the yard,

Fixing the old car his father left him before he passed away.

He was so happy that he had a car to call his own,

And even named the car after his favourite footballer, Messi.

I smiled at the thought that he will be here with me until I die,

But that was not meant to be.

I heard Sanjae calling out to me saying,

“Mummy, mi soon cum back, just a go dung a Fred yard fi Sup’m.”

I turned to him and replied,

“Gwaan an cum back before night come dung”

“Lata mummy soon cum back an mi love yuh”,

He replied with a smile only to realise that was his last words to me.

Standing and watching as Sanjae leaves the yard to go on the road,

I wondered how I deserved a son like him in my life.

A person who is caring and loving to everybody,

And who is a ray of sunshine in my dark and dreary life.

I smiled to myself wondering if I would ever have him in my life forever,

But persons like him only stays for a short time.

Suddenly, BANG! BANG! BANG!

Gunshots rained on the community.

People scampered about to find cover,

And persons dropping like flies everywhere.

Screams heard around as persons ran for cover.

BANG! BANG! BANG! Persons with guns shooting everything that is living.

And shooting every building in sight.

When the dust settles down, and the shooting came to a standstill,

I wondered what happened to my boy.

“Yuh see mi son, Sanjae?” “Yuh see ‘im somewhere here?”

I asked person to person running and looking for my son.

Then someone came to me breathing hard like they just ran a marathon.

“Dawn, sum’n happen to yuh son!”, he said.

“What yuh mean Sonny?” I asked him with a worried face.

“Come wid mi Dawn”.

As we paced down the street, 

We saw people bundling around lifeless bodies.

My heart skipped a beat and my body became paralyzed.

“SANJAE!!!”

“Mi one son gone! Jesus Christ!”

My only son on the ground as his life source drained from his body……

 I cradled his body in my arms as he become colder and colder.

Years went by and I still feel the pain of losing Sanjae.

The memories still haunted me up until this day.

Looking at the gravestone marked:

“Here lies Sanjae Williams, A son, a friend and a brother”.

Tears welled in my eyes as I looked at the grave.

“WHY GOD, WHY YUH TEK MI SON FROM MI?!?!”

The rain began to fall, the wind stopped blowing

And the flowers closed their petals, 

As if nature is mourning with me.

“Mi should neva have send yuh pan di road,

Yuh would have been with mi and yuh sista,

Yuh would neva be dead an inna the grave,

An yuh neva leave mi alone!!!”

I cried as I kneeled at the grave and holding it as it was him.

My heart was shattered.

My spirit was broken.

My soul died with my son,

Along with my emotions.

I became numb to the world with everything shut off.

I have no reason to go on anymore.

I still remembered the blood oozing from his body,

The stillness and the stiffness of his cold body

And his facial experience when he died.

The dreams, no, nightmares of his body,

Haunting me every time I close my eyes.

“Yuh always told mi to stop mek up mi face like soura orange,

And smile more so mi no look old.

Yuh also seh mi mus’ stap di bawlin,

An be happy all di time.

It haard to be happy when yuh only joy gone  

God only know why yuh were taken from this world so soon

But it was for di best that pure souls like yuh only stay to for a while.”

I said while getting from in front of the grave

Wondering if I should let rest in peace

And find closure so that I can go on with my life

Or keep reliving the painful experience of losing my son

Or craving for revenge for his death?

No, I shoulda let it go an forgive di killas

Who tek mi son away from mi.

You want me to mourn and grieve your death

And forgive them for what they did.

But I will be Broken and shattered without you.