broken me

yk when you say im broken? broken implies that something can be fixed. i’m shattered, in millions and trillions of tiny pieces. i can never be the person i was and i’m changing so much that it’s scary. i’m very scared of my life and it sucks. it is one of the worst things to be scared of your own life, of love, of trying new things. my own mind tears me down and kills me when it should build me up and protect me. i have to be protected from myself because i hurt myself all the time, any way possible. i have lost pretty damn close to everything in my life and now i’m rebuilding. i’m rebuilding myself and my life. i’m figuring out what i like and things to pass the agonizing time. i’m trying to figure out the now in my life and its looking really hazy but everything new makes it a clearer picture. i need to focus on the now so can we not talk about the future for a while?

i have pretended for so long to have a whole heart but i don’t. yk before you and Chris i was so naive. i thought people were so good and i talked about giving almost everyone second chances, which i still believe in. i was more myself than i have been in the past 5, almost six, months. and im not saying anything is your fault because it isn’t, except for what you said the first time we split. it’s really just my fault. it’s my fault that i lost my naivety and the sense of happy-go-lucky innocence. and i can never get that back. i lost the biggest part of me because i let people throw water on my flame and i lost it.its gone forever and i need to stop holding on to that dead part of myself and light a new fire inside me but it’s easier said than done. you think you see everything but you only see what i want you to. i kinda hate myself for that because sometimes i need you to read me like a book but i don’t let you.

i’ve also found out how tough i am. I am still alive through every shit day and i don’t know if that’ll last forever but i can only hope. I lie sometimes but i have to keep some things to myself because i’m not ready to give my entire being to someone yet. Im not ready for that so ill lie about how i feel or how i’m doing. I do it bc i don’t want to expose myself. Because if i did that, i’d be naked. And not in the without clothes way. I mean my entire soul and heart would be exposed and i’m still not ready for that because the first few times that i did, i got really hurt.

My favourite flower is a wallflower. They’re a very pretty orange and, in my opinion, orange is a colour of new comings. It also reminds me of the innocence of a child and i think that’s a beautiful thing. It stands with all flowers but they all hold and innocence until the stem is cut. That’s when you know it starts dying. But in life, in order to truly live, you get cut and burned and killed many times until you have a happy ending. And sometimes happy endings aren’t everything.

I may hurt and hate hurting but i’m very grateful for the pain and heartache, i know it’ll bring me a beautiful rainbow and all the awfulness with finally stop. Yet knowing such beautiful things i still get so clouded in my mind. And the fog is so thick i can’t see the bright and beautiful other side. And it sucks because i know its there but i don’t see it so how could i believe it if i cant see it. And i know that’s kinda stupid coming from me considering i believe in magic and fairytales but its how i feel.