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Bulimia


All I hear

Is the rush of blood

My heartbeat in my ear

All I know 
 
Is so much fear
 
I have truly let myself go.
 
 
as I knelt above 
 
The portal to hell
 
And emptied out my sins
 
I thought about this evil game
 
And I realized
 
No one wins.
 
 
The golden trophy 
 
Is temporary
 
Overshadowed by tears 
 
Overshadowed by the dissonance
 
 
 
Of the choking and my heart beat 
 
That roars to life
 
The strongest 
 
At the time when I feel the most dead.  
 
 
 
How can I go on
 
When I feel the symptoms of ending
 
My head I am clutching
 
My back I am bending
 
 
 
I will never want to finish this life
 
I know I have so much to live for
 
But when I pour out my penance 
 
I am digging in the knife 
 
As hard as my knees dig into the floor
 
 
 
I feel my teeth grow softer
 
My throat is always sore
 
But I will never be without a smile
 
When I open that thick wooden door
 
 
 
I get scared when my chest aches
 
And I can't focus on anything
 
I am terrified when my heart pounds
 
And WHOOSH my ears, they ring
 
 
 
But I am fighting the devil
 
And raising my hands to The Lord.
 
I've hit the ground hard, this cold tile hell
 
But I cannot seem to sever the cord
 
 
 
God if you are listening
 
Close this swirling hole
 
Inside my heart
 
Inside my mind
 
Inside this evil bowl
 
 
 
God if you can hear me
 
Calm the rush in my ear
 
So I can leave 
 
Satan's side
 
And go to you
 
Or find you here.
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