cancer LOL

I was 12 years old when i first fell in love with pain,

I built a romantic relationship with intoxicating red ink,

And seared pink flesh.

Kissing blades and paper cuts,

In the darkness of my room,

I learned to spin webs of “no i'm just cold”,

“It was an accident”,

“Can i please have some privacy”.

Getting dressed in bathroom stalls after gym class,

So my friends couldnt pick apart my addiction,

Sneaking blood soaked tissues into nose bleeds,

And blaming scratch marks on cat claws.

I was 13 when i traded sharpeners for scales,

Practicing my counting of the grams of sugar in an apple,

And how long it takes to burn off a sandwich.

Skipping breakfast,

But i was just “lazy”,

Spending lunchtime next to a toilet,

Because i couldnt face the thought of spending another meal alone.

“Its just a diet”,

Became “i deserve this”

The mirror became sharper than any blade ever was.

Bottles found their ways into backpacks,

The feeling of fire down my throat,

Living off the draining high of caffine and an empty stomach,

Because a bellyache was better than being numb.

I was almost 14 when i tried to give up,

I still get nightmares about the trauma i caused,

Regret over sharing my pain,

Memories that haunt me,

Anytime someone brings up that day.

Somedays i am forced to relive these moments etched in my brain,

A voice screaming:

“You failed”

“Your fault”

“You're a monster”

As if the hurt ive already caused is not enough.

Somedays i sit in silence with the realization that my actions were the flutter of a butterflies wings that led to a hurricane.

I was 14 years old when i fell in love with pain for the fourth time,

I traded long sleeves for jeans,

And bathroom stalls for library walls,

Because nobody is going to question why you're wearing pants in maine.

And it wasnt that nobody cared,

 I just preferred poison to people.

I liked the burning sensation when i layed my arm against the iron,

But it was “an accident”

Scared that if i let them in theyd see the monster inside of me.

They might realize i stopped checking before i crossed the street,

Or that the blood on my sheets wasnt from period leaks,

Because i havent had that in months.

It wasnt that i wanted to die i just wanted to stop existing.

I now have learned that there is more to life than addiction,

But even now with obtainable goals,

And healthy boundries,

That even now somedays i would rather kiss blades and sit in bathroom stalls than fight the demons in my head.

I made a promise to myself i would try,

But that doesnt mean ill never stumble on my way out of the cave i built.

Tears still fall when i trace the permanent marks that line my skin,

I still look longingly at the scale and the mirror,

But i will try.

I was 12 when i first fell in love,

Today im better,

And im starting to learn to let that love go.