Can't say much

Don't you know

that you mean so much 

to me?

hey, God.

hey, mom.

how wrong

can that be?

am i really such

a terrible person?

all because you'll never understand me?

or because

that's not how you made me to be?

What a wicked

way to think,

not like i was expected to.

don't you understand?

it was never a choice!

at war with my own emotions? 

and why?

why do i care?

why do i want your acceptance so badly?

if i read enough Scripture,

maybe my feelings will fade,

like the last leaf on a tree in december,

like i did.

Not much I can say for you,

so forget this poem. 

i'm not special. 

my stories are unoriginal.

i'll never be anything like 

the saints in my books.

so just let go

of all of your memories

all of your ideas

every passing, flowing thought

is for God to judge

so block them out.

i'm not speaking to you, 

i'm speaking to me.

and my language is new 

to me as i get older and find

a place in this world.

and the one after.

Can't say much

because apologizing 

would be just as wrong

as what i wish that i

could be.

so forget about this "poem",

a failed attempt

at an essay to myself.