Can't Stop Time

 

 I (just) don't understand this:

 How you could tell somebody you love them

 How you could hold them, in your arms while you plan out your future. 

 Your college apartment, (your) wedding, (your) honeymoon, (your) first house, (your) children. 

 

 How could you fake feeling that way? 

 

 Do you even remember any of the good times?

 Staying up all night on the phone, telling our every secret, making bets, drumlins parties, fairy tale nights, our list of

 Memories that still haunt me at night. 

 

 Did any of that ever mean anything? 

 

 Or do you only remember everything else? 

 All of the fights, the yelling, the tears, broken walls, doors, promises, broken hearts 

 Those that consumed so much of our time together

 

 If I meant so much to you then, why don't I now? 

 We can't be together, but being my friend is too much to ask for 

 You would have done anything to be "us" again 

 

 Oh wait, 

 That was all on me. 

 I had to risk it all. 

 My friends, my family, my freedom

 When I told you, I couldn't make that sacrifice, did I become unworthy? 

 Or was I just no longer worth the struggle? 

 

 Lets face it. 

 You didn't love me, you loved what you made me to be. 

 You didn't want me, you wanted someone to fit your fancy-of-the-day

 Someone so interdependent that they always need your "okay" 

 

 Was that your plan all along? 

 Learn just how to make me completely vulnerable, capture my heart, become my entire world, cut away my security net, isolate me to only you, make it so I cling to every word you told me 

 So I'd have no choice but to come running back to you 

 Because I wasn't good enough for anything else 

 Well congratulations, 

 It worked. 

 

 I drive myself crazy. 

 I can't forget everything we had

 I still dream about you, about us. 

 

 On those scarce days, when you actually see my eyes,

 My heart drops to my stomach, like a piece of cement 

 All of the words I've thought through block my lungs and stick in my throat

 I have to turn away to stop myself from crying as we both continue to walk our separate ways 

 When you "accidentally" send me messages 

 And I'm forced full of false hope 

 That maybe, just maybe, today would be different

 Only to have you rip it back again 

 

 But look. 

 I've removed my net, all on my own

 I'm surrounded by people who actually care about me

 Not my past, or what was

 But will build me up when you try to tare me down 

 

 And yet, my pain wit subside

 My scars take their sweet time to heal

 I still can't get over this question..

 

 Did I ever mean anything to you?