Change

I've shed so many tears of brokenness self-inflicted.
I got a feeling that these won't be my last.
There's no light evident in this darkness,
And the only thing that seems rational is a continuation of the past.
But deep down I know I'm holding back;
From myself-everyone else...
I'm tied up in fears like: I'm so afraid of death, but I'm terrified of life: because I haven't lived in so long.
And now I'm thrown into deep water, those times of going through the motions are gone.
I'm so scared of this harsh change: because I'm confident that I'm broken beyond repair.
I can't stand to be alone, but still- I don't want you there.
I'm a hot ass mess- and I can nolonger function as a human, so I'm alienated into a class of my own.
A class where I'm surrounded by the monsters of addiction that I've come to know.
I'm so hurt, 
I don't know what I'm worth.
I'm scared of moving up
Because I can't withstand another fall.
Another fail... I'm so afraid of being foundt out- being seen.
But now the spotlight shines so bright...
I just really hope that tonight,
And all the others after it- I can lay a foundation to begin the making of a better life.
One to cushion any falls;
And to prevent fails-
To start on a new path where I can prevail.