I breathe with polluted air throughout my body

thick ozones

layered out with heavy diffusion

confused with serious matters about

Where             I should be

who                 I can be

what                I could do

are particles that consume my thoughts

taking up all the spaces in mind.

 

this pollution in my lungs

seeped through my nostrils

are constant inhales of my deep exhales

 

these sometimes “fat bitch” ask.fm mails

piled over junk spamming messages

and the struggle of that 16 minute mile run

this heavy air in me

polluted deeper

every single day

till the moment I was asked

“So, what did you have for lunch today?”

I froze absolutely breathless

inhaled inhaled

til the only sound that came out

were my whispers

“um…I didn't really have any.”

 

“didn't really” meant

I didn't have a meal

and lets not make me think of food

and these “didn't really” manifested

through the trachea of my lungs

ran through the bronchi

and breathes in messages to send

out my voice from within

 

these didn't reallys really meant

was that I was holding this

shit beneath me for a long ass time

and all i ever wanted to do recite my thoughts

to tell all you people

“didn't really” is

a starving obsessive girl that

had one meal

had one meal but

threw it all up two hours ago

took her fat body

ran all the way towards the bathroom

for her prayers to be answered

took her beauty/confidence/ and sanity

for this new ideal figure

and never swallowed back

 

“didn’t really” meant

never had

always needed

needing nutritions became necessary

because

I realized earlier in my year

that i don't have to

follow the walkway of a model

to become one

I dont have to

follow a catwalk of another woman

I will make my own

I will walk my talk

and talk my walk

with deep body curves

flabby upper arms, kawaii defined cheekbones

The Biggest Loser, never made sense to me

because I didn't have no Jillian Michaels or Mike Chang

giving me workouts of the day.

It was this fat in my body

that made this confident wrestler

I inhaled this new fresh air

with three hour HIT training

discouraging insulting bullies

and a black sauna suit

for weight cutting at the last minute

I exhaled them

with all my lost matches

tears because of the pins

2 pounds overweight looks from coaches

and a plaque that read

Most Improved Wrestler, 2013

Made weight every tournament

Winner of consolation match

and I secure these titles as I recite these titles

so I would never be an outcome

of another quitted bulimic

and there will be a year

that I tell “didn’t really”

 

That cut you put in me

would grow into a scar

the lesson

the muse

in me and for that

you at least deserve this :

“this was your check-in for my next match.”