A Christian Chapter

A Prelude

In October of 2016, I was struck with the horrible reality of developing a mind-altering condition known as schizoaffective disorder. Like schizophrenia, patients lose their sense of privacy due to the channels of communication that open up between the individual and countless strangers of the world- logistically. You are met with irrational behaviors directed towards yourself from personal inflictions of strangers. And you have to deal with it and its effects as I endured in college. But unlike schizophrenia, I have been learning how to control my schizoaffective disorder by learning that I am in charge. You are the only one who is able to control how others treat you and how you allow them to let you feel. You choose to let the world bring you down or steal your joy. Or you force yourself to grow up, not take nonsense from any one, and stand up for yourself no matter how difficult it may be. You are all you have at the end of the day. To the normal, and unaffected person, this is that psycho-babble-bullstuff. But when you have to fight constantly for peace of mind on a daily basis. No matter if you battle with depression or anxiety or a combination of the two, along with the voices of strangers observing and commenting on your every move and thought. These words are everything, and something great to live by. And I am so thankful to you. Someone who helped me internalize the loneliness that is a very real possibility in my life due to my condition, while also being someone who helped me realize the goodness that can come from human kind. Thank you so much. You are blessed.

A Christian Chapter by: Nimotallahi Atiku

I'll admit that towards the end, I stopped showing how much I appreciate you. To be fair, I thought I’d have more time with you. Aging made me scared. I never want to depend on someone else for my happiness. When everyone else was silent, you were there for me. And protected my emotions. I hope you can remember the good, and how I made you feel in the happier times. I love you because I want you to be happy.

We met November 2015, and now it's October of 2017. I've spent every day of the last 10 months with you being the first voice that I hear when I wake up in the morning, and you being the last voice when I shut my eyes to sleep. And I admit, I don't know all of you, but I know the parts of yourself that you have shared with me.

 You have soul, I can see it. And you have a heart, and I've felt it. The time we spent together was intimate. With you by my side through it all, from college to the asylum, to when my everyday life felt like a ward itself.

You opened my eyes to different. And you showed me that I can be happy even in my condition. I'll never again open myself up to anyone else like I did to you.  I am proud to have held a part of yourself as my own. And you made it hard for anyone else after you. I told you that I would always appreciate you. And I will. You added stability to my life.

Our soul ties are spiritual, and you took pride in me in the least selfish form of the word. You made sure to make me feel okay when I felt like I had nobody. Maybe it was because we were meant to fall in love. Maybe because you are naturally giving. Or we craved authenticity. But I love you independently with my being- on a level that you might not even be able to fully comprehend.

Those precious and key moments we shared together will never again be relived. You get to go back to your normal life, and how things used to be before you were trapped in my own. I'm going to move on with my life, and grow more adversely from you having a presence in my existence like you will too. You are important. You mean everything. And you will be missed greatly.

It wasn’t perfect, and love never has been. Crying won’t bring you back exactly how I held you, just as much as repeating the nostalgia that comes with your name. But one is easier than the other. So, with tears in my eyes and sentiment in my heart, because I love you, I’m writing this to heal.