A Christmas To Forget

I’m an imploding building

The Christmas lights on the tree flicker to the tune of “Drummer Boy”

The wall phone swings from its cord, still hot and wet from my mother’s tears

The eerie silence concludes my fate

My mind is a roller coaster of emotions flying off its tracks into a deep blue ocean,

quickly sinking

My Father’s words hang heavy in the air,

“You’re not going to Japan”

These days, it is so common to be left behind

But the words hit me like a freight train,

Every syllable, a stab at my heart

I am so innocent, a slave of circumstance,

Wandering lost in a field of dreams

I am spinning, my life unraveling

Everything I have ever known falling into the abyss

This moment will be a ghost that clenches to every thought,

His face:

A picture in my room I used to pray to,

Crumbled on the floor

I do not fully understand the consequences of his actions

A sliver of hope will glimmer and fade

As day goes to night,

Slowly losing all faith and trust

Fighting my brain every night,

A telepathic war with myself

Asking to forgive him,

Knowing I cannot

Asking him, “Did you have to be so sudden when you shattered my whole world?”

I stay up each night

Thinking how my life would be different

If he came for me,

Until I fade to sleep,

And he soon becomes a forgotten face

I do not know that in a few short years,

There will be an empty feeling in my stomach,

When I hear his name

Or when I see his face, hear his voice

Five years later,

A plastered smile will come too easily

I do not know about the continuous arguments to the shower head,

Ending in tears

Nor the embarrassment,

Of talking about the man I once knew

I do not realize how these circumstances will define me

Drama Queen

How could the people know the war raging inside me,

When I cannot understand it myself?

I do not know about the alienation,

Or the disappointment in myself

I do not know of the selfish thoughts I will have,

Watching veterans coming home to their happy families

Tears of joy I will never feel

Familiar faces I will forget

I am an innocent child,

Thrown in a raging war of emotions,

Never to return

Stone cold,

My innocence to the world stripped away

I am naked

The world’s anger rushing in

My mother’s protection guides me,

The impenetrable layers protecting my very soul

I am a warrior

I am infected,

With a desire to do greater

And I march on