A Circus Act

I was fifteen when I breathed fire for the first time I was kneeling over the toilet with my hands holding my hair out of my face tears rolling down the sides of my cheeks because forcing your stomach to puke up dinner from twenty minutes ago is work god dammit and I had never felt more disgusting in my life I didn't always use to do that I remember eating ice cream and not thinking about how fat I looked or how many calories were in it I used to be able to eat pizza and not worry about how many slices I was eating because I was hungry but what if people were watching me what if they saw that I had three I'll just take two and drink a lot of water but I'm so hungry brain shut up we're having three, but you have to puke it up later okay sold to the highest bidder ding ding ding After a while, you don't even notice that you're losing weight because you're too busy losing touch with reality you're too busy losing your mind After a while, it becomes a circus act when can I eat can I go to the bathroom will they notice run the water they can't hear my eyes are puffy water to the face pronto over and over and over again until you don't notice the system and you don't notice that you're not feeling any better and that you're still crying at night because you think that you're fat and that you can't go out with friends any more because you have no energy, your hair is falling out you haven't had a period in a year you bruise when you do anything but lay flat on your back your skin is dry your heart hurts you're just tired that circus act starts to wear on you and you can hear the crowd crunching on popcorn and peanuts while you watch and perform and try to pick the crumbs up off the floor at the end because you want something to put in your stomach aside from acid and self hatred and all the people leave behind are empty seats and money for the circus owner welcome to an eating disorder where you can starve to death in silence and still be screaming the entire time I sent myself to a program where they taught me to eat and breathe and love and feel everything that I had conditioned myself not to do because it hurt When I was 17, I breathed fire for the last time and my circus act was over.