Clarity

I hate you.

For the longest time this is what I thought I felt for you. Hatred.

I know that it is a strong word, but at times I felt as if it were not strong enough.

I could go on for hours with synonyms;

detest,

loathe,

despise;

and yet, none could capture the full magnitude of exactly what I felt towards you.

I could not understand what it was that I felt, nor could I understand why.

So I just tried to convince myself that I could love you.

Even when that meant telling myself to love you because

I had to.

Because to live,

to survive,

I had to love you.

And so, I did.

At least, I thought I did.

I went along with everything you told me to do,

every bad decision that you promised would give me satisfaction,

every guilt trip you said would take the weight off of my shoulders.

Because that is what people do for love,

right?

Wrong.

I guess I should have seen it sooner.

I have come to realize that the word I was looking for was not hatred.

I understand now why those words —

despise, loathe

— could not hold the meaning that I was looking for.

It is fear.

It is fear that I have felt for you, for the longest time.

I have lived my life in fear of what you would think if I was in the wrong.

If I made a mistake.

If I enjoyed myself,

if I ever let go of my problems for a second to breathe.

But I am done.

I am tired.

I feel as if I have grown so old because of everything I have missed out on because of you.

I refuse to miss out on any more.

So here I am, right now, taking back my life.

Taking back what you took from me.

You can stay and watch if you want, but I do not need you anymore.

Because you, my dear anxiety, are no longer in control of me.