Clean

Emotions and lies
They got me here many times.
The naïve and inexperienced me at the age of 16
I thought he taught me how to love
Instead I was left with the drip drops of rain that trickled down my ruined cheeks
These sheets
Had left me barren
Alone seeking shelter away from home
For my vulnerable undress was free for all to see
But me, I
I could no longer read between the lines
And even when I saw the words written clearly on the page
The sheets, these sheets took it all away
So again I was blinded by the power of his lust
Blind trust in us as a force to be reckoned
I was fearless. He was strong.
And before long the decision was made
Innocence had long since past
As he thrust into the deep
It was wet and it was warm
That’s what he said to me
As he whispered sweet nothings into my ear
My skin tingled all over with his shock that ran through my system
This feeling would not last always.
The groans rose up in the back of my throat
I choked
To fist down the painful moans
That fought valiantly on the tip of my tongue to be heard
If I let my lips part
If I uttered a word
He would know that I loathed every single part
The unsteady rhythm, the pain,
The sweat, even the bloody stain
That remained on my pearl white sheets
These sheets, they were ruined
Once pure, they were destroyed
Employed for further business.
It was easy now even fun.
He didn’t have to lead because I knew what should be done.
Still he always seemed to want more
And I always gave him what he asked for.
Touch me he said.
Suck me he said.
Fuck me he said
And I did
Only for the reward of this shitty promiscuity.
I was engulfed and drowning
In a whirlpool of shame
Even my good name had lost its beautiful luster.
Was this really what a woman should be?
It was my raging conscience speaking to me
To get a grip, to grab ahold,
Be bold, let go, say no!
But wait!
He loved me
Just like I loved him.
That other girl was just a friend
The texts in his phone didn’t mean anything
And who cares what they say
They’re just haters anyway.
I mean, he loves me.
Right…? WRONG!
I knew it all along
But emotions and lies
They got me here many times
The naïve and inexperienced me at the age of 16
I thought he taught me how to love
Instead I was left with the drip drops of rain that trickled down my ruined cheeks
These sheets
They had left me weak.
Unsatisfied at the least
And the reflection that stalked me in the mirror each day
Had a way of making me feel significantly incomplete
I wanted to be whole but that would mean a release
A release of the one thing that I idolized even more than me
These sheets, they had taught me about sex not love
They made me feel wanted.
They taunted, they haunted me
And I was too afraid to let it go.
But today, this day
I am emptying my dirty laundry right onto this stage
This page has made me come alive
Now I vibe to the beat of my own drum
I move with the wind at my back
So I lack no confidence in the woman I have become
My sins of the past
They last only as long as I let them go on
But I stopped
Because I am not that young girl
I dictate the rules that regulate my world
See these sheets aren’t my future
I won’t allow them to be
These sheets are just the pages that reflect a tainted version of me
Who I used to be
It took time
It took patience
It took courage
It took strength
And here I am with a big heart and an open mind
I find
It gets hard and lonely sometimes
Especially on days when these sheets tie me down
When it seems like me at 16 is still somewhere around
And the person I’m becoming is nowhere to be found
I remind that girl, that young lady, myself
Of how beautiful she is
And that her experiences are more valuable than great wealth
Then everything immediately becomes simple and clear
I turn to a new page and take out my pencil
To write this great story
Because it’s worth sharing with the world.
So the next time you see me passing by
I hope you'll see past the stains of imperfection that lie
On the exterior layer of an inwardly virtuous woman.