Clean

And on the days on which the air between your bed, and the front door is an endless mine field where you know you will perish

I will ask you to put on your armor

 

and by armor i mean your bedsheets.

Wrap your blankets around you so tight that your fingers go numb

grip them like they are your very soul 

 

force your feet to the ground and shuffle to the bathroom.

turn on the warm water and let its steam on the looking glass replace your smoke in mirrors.

 

sit in the tub

 

Dont even take your clothes off, dont waste the energy. 

let the fabric soak, feel it become as heavy as your heart feels.

 

cry

 

your tears will mix with the water until you cannot tell the difference

the entire room will become flooded, not with water, but with the pain you've kept inside of yourself

swim in it

 

sit until the water has become cold. 

step out of the bath and change your clothes. 

climb back into bed

 

if you do nothing else today,

at least now you can say

 

I am clean