clean

i’m the times new roman font

i’m clean, never dirty

and i’m a constant headache

replaying 

“why did i say that?”

overthinking 

“do my friends all secretly hate me?”

paranoia

“what if there was a fire?”

insecurities 

“what if my room isn’t clean?”

dirty 

“what if my breath smells bad?”

but i’m alone, and no one is hearing my thoughts

i’m alone, and my best friend is texting me

i’m alone, and the fire ladder is under my bed

i’m alone, and i cleaned my room five minutes ago

i’m alone, and i brushed my teeth this morning

i’m alone, but it all still bothers me

i’m alone, but i should probably stop annoying her

i’m alone, but i should probably make sure my fire alarm is working

i’m alone, but i should probably wash my hands again

i’m alone, but i should probably brush my teeth again

---

a text message

“i’m done with my project”

finished

“done” isn’t proper grammar

finished

“don’t correct them, they’ll think you’re annoying”

finished

i succumb

finished

i reply

“finished. finished is proper grammar”

they don’t care

finished

it never stops

finished, finished, finished

“here’s your plate”

she’s touching it with her hands

she’s one of your best friends

she’s dirty

you flinch

dirty 

“are you gonna take it?”

dirty

you watched her wash her hands three minutes ago, take the plate

dirty 

you’re staring like an idiot, just take the plate

dirty 

“do you want mine? i haven’t touched it yet”

you sigh a breath of relief

it’s a second voice

clean 

it’s familiar

clean

she knows

clean 

she understands

clean

she’s clean

clean

you nod in thanks

clean 

she nods in reply

clean

she understands.

“thank you, for earlier” 

you tell her after dinner

“of course”

she smiles and nods

she knows

she knows you

she knows what bothers you

she knows you

she knows you, behind closed doors.

it’s messy

it’s ugly

but it’s clean