Colors

Tue, 04/30/2019 - 20:50 -- M-E-A

Purple used to be my favorite color

Until the blank canvas of my skin

Was tainted by the purple marks

That reminded me that the love I thought I had perceived

Was never the love that I received

 

Pink used to create the color in my cheeks when I laughed too hard

as I screamed at my dad to stop tickling me

until the day when my father's tickling fingers were replaced by fists

and the pink was permanently drained from my cheeks replaced with a constant grey

 

I used to love the way red signaled the beginning and end of the night

Until that same red

Engulfed my body at the bottom of the stairs

As I looked up at the sky at the God I thought I knew

Cursing him for not answering any of my prayers

 

Yellow used to be a beacon of hope

the light at the end of the tunnel

Until the purple marks transformed to yellow

Melting into the tan of my skin

Erasing the memory of what had happened

For everyone except for me

 

Blue used to surround me on my happiest days

In the sky, the beach, and my eyes

until I started drowning in the waters of my life

between the walls of the school and in the arms of those who I should've loved and those who should've loved me

 

Green used to fill the eyes I loved

Full of beauty and strength and a home

Until the day she traded her life

for the peace of the afterlife

when she left me deserted in a place

without a home

when she left me in a place where I felt nothing but alone

 

I used to love the fresh brown of the dirt as my dad and I dug for worms

They would wriggle and I would squeal

and the whole day created the best emotions I could possibly feel

Until my squeals turned to screams as he wrapped his arms around me

I was the fish hooked in his grasp

With no way out I knew I would never be me

at least not the me I thought I'd always be

 

I never used black in any of my drawings

as I only ever saw the light

until the blackness of my thoughts clouded my creativity

Turning everything I was and everything I made in a world of extremity

Either black or white with no grey to be seen

Everything I was was disappearing in front of me

 

The white in my smile and the whites of my eyes used to glisten and sparkle

Until the day my eyes stopped shining so bright

and my smile stopped smiling so wide

The ones who were supposed to notice

Never took a moment to pay attention

and never even considered that they were the reason why

 

Clearness used to represent truth and transparency

It was something I could rely on while all else fell apart

Until the day when the only things that were clear

Were the empty booze bottles my dad hid at the end of the day

As if getting rid of the bottles would eliminate the pain he inflicted

As if erasing the evidence would somehow delay

the inevitable truth coming into the light

and somehow change my mind from clear to conflicted

 

I used to love rainbows as they stood for everything I was

Vibrant, beautiful, with a constant aim to please

Until I started to grow up and stop seeing myself as any of these

My home turned into a house and my nightmares a reality

Myself into a war-torn canvas and my family into my enemy

 

This poem is about: 
Me
My family

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