Compensation of Illness (Counting Breaths)

Compensation of Illness (Counting Breaths)

Life can get so messy, when you’re so clean

Breathing can get so difficult, when you’re so calm

Tasks can get so boring, when you’re so engaged

Friends can get so mean, when you’re so nice

Through life, breath, activities, friends, through it all

I look for worth and find the dark.

Nothing survives the weight of anxiety,

nothing outshines the long, low ache of depression,

nothing seems worthy of my small, stubborn passions.

Am I worthy?

Am I worthy of you?

Am I worthy of life?

Am I worthy of breathing?

Am I worthy of belonging?

Where do you draw the lines with comparison?

Where is joy when everything is down?

How do I lift others up when I am sinking?

How do I keep breathing when I hate myself?

Where is the ending for me

Why hasn’t it come?

I count my breaths one, two

and wait for something like a beginning.