Compulsion

I just washed them

but was that pretend?

Are my hands really clean?

I can feel the germs

they are tangible 

they are crawling

oozing

the air has made my hands dirty.

I just flipped the light

but is the switch down all the way?

Could that start a fire?

If I turn it on 

and off and on

and off and on

and push hard 

then everything will be fine. 

I want to sleep

but can I, if my fingers are still tapping?

Will they stop if  I hum a song, and the song ends 

with my fingers, tapping in order,

ending on the first finger?

It's crazy 

but my fingers buzz 

and I panic

and I tap and tap

tap 

tap 

tap.

I stubbed my left toe

but why does my right toe feel wrong?

Why does it want to be stubbed too?

I feel lopsided

I am uneven 

the right side of me is too light

I kick the wall

and crash back into equilibrium.

I think I'm crazy

but do crazy people think they're crazy?

Why is it so hard to resist the compulsions?

I try

and waves of anxiety push me under

I imagine the germs

the fire 

stop the tapping

make myself uneven intentionally 

and sit 

gasping 

heart racing 

until I'm breathing normally.

And it takes a long time 

but I cannot live forever commanded by compulsions. 

Can I?