The Conditional Love of a Mother

I remember hundreds of thousands of things

About living with you.

What shows up the most

Is all the times we fought

All the times you screamed

And told me I would never do anything.

You said if I loved you I would never leave

You said you hurt me, abused me Because You Loved Me

The ugly words

The constant tears

The absolutely inevitable fear

Our life was full of hardships

And our Thanksgiving dinner was scarce with food

And sleepovers at a friend’s meant our power was out

Once again.

You used love like a weapon

When you did something wrong,

It was always alright because

We loved each other, right?

But love was never meant to be an excuse

It was meant to show how much we appreciated you

How much we enjoyed having you in our life.

We were toxic for each other.

It feels as though

All we did for 16 years

Was fight and scream and cry millions of tears

You insulted me daily

And insinuated that you hated me

That you wish I had never existed

All the while saying that you did

The horrific things you did Because You Loved Me.

As you brought so many guys into our lives

That only lasted a month

You claimed you loved them

And that meant to me that love was weak.

With you, love was conditional

If I got Perfect Grades, we could spend time together.

If I did every chore, cleaned every room, washed every dish,

You would read me a story.

If I did not it was too bad, so sad

Goodnight, go to bed.

If I was not Perfect, I did not deserve love.

If everything was not just so, nothing mattered, right?

My family here asks about my school day

Not because they want to catch me in a lie

But Because They Love Me.

They do not bring up how much it costs them

For me to live here

Not because it does not matter

But Because They Love Me.

I can go to them

With all my trivial problems and

They accept them and resolve them.

I can go to them

When I have had a terrible day

And they will hug me

And make some of this pain go away.

I am no longer afraid

To bring home a poor grade

Because I know that even if I do

My parents will love me anyway.

I am not living in fear

Of making a mistake

Because I know now that

Mistakes are a part of life

And my parents will love me

No matter what.

I have moved on,

My life with you

Just allows me to appreciate truly

My life with them.