Conditioned

Unconditional love

Yet it took conditioning to accept it.

Not knowing why everyone's love was different from what you've been given.

Days and nights curled in a ball,

Just wanting to be held by that maternal love yet it only made tears fall.

Blaming yourself for the cards you've been dealt.

Reaping another's consequences that I have so harshly felt.

I'm only human.

There’s only so much I can give,

I’ve explored all that I have

I’ve explored everything within.

But with every ounce awake in me,

Every ounce of my limited energy,

Every ounce of anything within I give to you just to love me.

Unfortunately as hard as I try I feel that same pressure...literally.

It’s not pressure I want.

What I want is not physical but I'd be able to feel it.

What I want is not visible but I’d be able to see it.

What I want I shouldn't have to ask for, I should already receive it.

Why are you punishing me for just…

Well, I don't know how to finish that because when I think of everything I do

I think of every answer beside the only one that can only be provided by you

I make mistakes of an everyday kid

And I make it up by making the decisions of an everyday adult

But no matter what

15% of the time I was your child

40% I was a provider

45% I was your punching bag

Now where’s the unconditional love in that

At the end of the day I’ve only discovered this

The only unconditional love there is

Is the one that takes conditioning to accept it.